Anyone else have this

[Anonymousrob84]

Recently my wife has been playing and having a great time but I’m kind of taken aback by the speed at which our choices and preferences have changed.

When we first started, the rules were 1) I’m always there during play
2) no solo dates alone
3) no overnights.

Recently, she has really leaned into the first two, and really wants to do the last also. The chance is there for her. I want her to experience this because I know she wants it but I’m not sure I’m really comfortable with it. I feel left behind. It’s not even a lifestyle for us anymore. It’s a lifestyle for her. I’m just here. Not a part of anything.

For those who will say “talk to her”, we have, a lot, about this same thing. Good conversations. She is aware of how I’m feeling.

Any advice, or has anyone else gone through this. Like I said, we have talked a lot about this but I would love to discuss with others as well.

 

[Vincenzo]

We have 1 rule, amd that's no playing without the other present it's worked for us for years, amd there has been no mention of steering away from it

 

[stubbyhubby]

I have been there and my best advice is this. Learn to take pleasure in her pleasure. If you can find happiness in her doing and experiencing all of the things that she wants to then it adds a massive amount of enjoyment for both of you in the long run.

Also, you opened Pandora's box. You can't close it now. Resisting what she wants will just cause animosity between you and her. If she senses that you are not 100% for her doing things with other guys she can begin to feel betrayed or tricked by you, and that will never end well.

The upside is she will probably evolve. For years Lisa went on dates with guys and stayed the night with them, went to their place to fuck, got fucked in the backseat of her car at the mall, etc. all because she just wanted to experience those things. Now she had done a complete 180 and is having guys come here and even stay the night with her almost all of the time.

 

[Anonymousrob84]

I have been there and my best advice is this. Learn to take pleasure in her pleasure. If you can find happiness in her doing and experiencing all of the things that she wants to then it adds a massive amount of enjoyment for both of you in the long run.

Also, you opened Pandora's box. You can't close it now. Resisting what she wants will just cause animosity between you and her. If she senses that you are not 100% for her doing things with other guys she can begin to feel betrayed or tricked by you, and that will never end well.

The upside is she will probably evolve. For years Lisa went on dates with guys and stayed the night with them, went to their place to fuck, got fucked in the backseat of her car at the mall, etc. all because she just wanted to experience those things. Now she had done a complete 180 and is having guys come here and even stay the night with her almost all of the time.

I’m just not sure I’m comfortable with that. We still have an amazing relationship and sex life but I worry about the overnights and the emotional connections, ya know? Also, this was supposed to be about us as a couple. Thats why we started it, but I’m not involved in any of this, and the idea of opening up my side of the marriage is a big no go. She said absolutely no. Never. Not even in a group setting.

 

[NancyJo]

My hubby and I have been in the lifestyle for over 25 years now and thing certainly do change over time. We started out meeting couples then small groups and parties. Although we might end up in separate bedrooms we were always 'together'. About the only 'rule' was unwritten was that we always reconfirmed our love as the evening wore down. As time went on we opened things up dramatically. Separate dates, overnighters and even going on trips with friends alone. For a while I had a private massage and you know where those massages usually ended up. One thing that will never change is honesty. There's not one guy I've had sex with that he doesn't know about and vice-versa. Sure, there were times I would get with a guy when he didn't know but that was only because circumstances dictated it. Sometimes I go shopping dressed provocatively with the sole intension of finding a guy to bed. Bob may not have known it at the moment but I always told him.

 

[Anonymousrob84]

My hubby and I have been in the lifestyle for over 25 years now and thing certainly do change over time. We started out meeting couples then small groups and parties. Although we might end up in separate bedrooms we were always 'together'. About the only 'rule' was unwritten was that we always reconfirmed our love as the evening wore down. As time went on we opened things up dramatically. Separate dates, overnighters and even going on trips with friends alone. For a while I had a private massage and you know where those massages usually ended up. One thing that will never change is honesty. There's not one guy I've had sex with that he doesn't know about and vice-versa. Sure, there were times I would get with a guy when he didn't know but that was only because circumstances dictated it. Sometimes I go shopping dressed provocatively with the sole intension of finding a guy to bed. Bob may not have know it at the moment but I always told him.

She is most definitely always honest with me. And it’s really just with one guy who had become her “boyfriend”. I’m not allowed to play at all with anyone else, but she has complete freedom. I was okay with this because I was involved and got to watch or play as well. Currently, they just do their thing and I’m not involved at all, and she will come home and tell me about it, but she’s not great at detail and she never brings me pics or vids, so quite literally I am not involved at all.

We are pretty new to this whole thing. We have technically been “active” for about 3 years, but took a couple huge breaks so if we count just the time we’ve been active, it’s been less than a year.

Maybe I’m overthinking things. Maybe I’m being a giant bitch lol. I don’t know. That’s why I came to check with those of you who are far more experienced than me.

 

[cheadle]

She is most definitely always honest with me. And it’s really just with one guy who had become her “boyfriend”. I’m not allowed to play at all with anyone else, but she has complete freedom. I was okay with this because I was involved and got to watch or play as well. Currently, they just do their thing and I’m not involved at all, and she will come home and tell me about it, but she’s not great at detail and she never brings me pics or vids, so quite literally I am not involved at all.

We are pretty new to this whole thing. We have technically been “active” for about 3 years, but took a couple huge breaks so if we count just the time we’ve been active, it’s been less than a year.

Maybe I’m overthinking things. Maybe I’m being a giant bitch lol. I don’t know. That’s why I came to check with those of you who are far more experienced than me.

How old was she when first shared?

 

[Anonymousrob84]

How old was she when first shared?

37 or so

 

[Lynnandhubby]

My hubby and I have been in the lifestyle for over 25 years now and thing certainly do change over time. We started out meeting couples then small groups and parties. Although we might end up in separate bedrooms we were always 'together'. About the only 'rule' was unwritten was that we always reconfirmed our love as the evening wore down. As time went on we opened things up dramatically. Separate dates, overnighters and even going on trips with friends alone. For a while I had a private massage and you know where those massages usually ended up. One thing that will never change is honesty. There's not one guy I've had sex with that he doesn't know about and vice-versa. Sure, there were times I would get with a guy when he didn't know but that was only because circumstances dictated it. Sometimes I go shopping dressed provocatively with the sole intension of finding a guy to bed. Bob may not have know it at the moment but I always told him.

Such a great answer and yes things do change over time for both partners. The important thing is that it stays fun for both.
J.

 

[Kandjfun]

Such a great answer and yes things do change over time for both partners. The important thing is that it stays fun for both.
J.

There’s definitely an evolution to this! Keep it fun and definitely keep an open and honest communication between you two!

 

[Anonymousrob84]

Such a great answer and yes things do change over time for both partners. The important thing is that it stays fun for both.
J.

I think that is the issue. Recently it hasn’t been fun for me at all. It hasn’t been bad. It’s just been flat, I think because I’m not a part of it at all. I just feel marginalized with the whole situation and I’m trying to not react really negatively

 

[Lynnandhubby]

She is most definitely always honest with me. And it’s really just with one guy who had become her “boyfriend”. I’m not allowed to play at all with anyone else, but she has complete freedom. I was okay with this because I was involved and got to watch or play as well. Currently, they just do their thing and I’m not involved at all, and she will come home and tell me about it, but she’s not great at detail and she never brings me pics or vids, so quite literally I am not involved at all.

We are pretty new to this whole thing. We have technically been “active” for about 3 years, but took a couple huge breaks so if we count just the time we’ve been active, it’s been less than a year.

Maybe I’m overthinking things. Maybe I’m being a giant bitch lol. I don’t know. That’s why I came to check with those of you who are far more experienced than me.

Not being there doesn’t have to mean you aren’t involved. So have a chat with her about being more open and sharing more of the details with you. That would seem like a fair compromise. Of the two, I prefer watching Lynn getting fucked but that isn’t always possible or practical. And I still get very turned on from hearing about her encounters in detail, even more so when I also get the chance to clean her up while she’s telling me. It might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I’d much rather she takes the opportunities that come her way than miss out either because it wasn’t planned or because it wasn’t possible for me to be there (for a whole host of reasons).

But I also know that it can be very frustrating feeling left out. My first wife as well as being shared, was a serial cheater (as was Lynn with her first husband for that matter) and tbh I didn’t mind that and will admit that it did turn me on. But she would keep things from me and I would find that difficult, not because of the other men she was fucking but because I didn’t feel a part of it and felt that I was missing out on a lot of the fun we could have had together if she had felt able to be more honest. So seeing it from both sides of the fence, I don’t think the issue is her wanting to play alone (unless that really is a problem for you) at least some of the time but the fact that you aren’t feeling included when she does. Hopefully that’s something you can work through together and find a way that works for both of you and doesn’t leave you feeling excluded.
James

 

[cheadle]

37 or so

Tell us how and why it started.

 

[Stevens4fun]

Recently my wife has been playing and having a great time but I’m kind of taken aback by the speed at which our choices and preferences have changed.

When we first started, the rules were 1) I’m always there during play
2) no solo dates alone
3) no overnights.

Recently, she has really leaned into the first two, and really wants to do the last also. The chance is there for her. I want her to experience this because I know she wants it but I’m not sure I’m really comfortable with it. I feel left behind. It’s not even a lifestyle for us anymore. It’s a lifestyle for her. I’m just here. Not a part of anything.

For those who will say “talk to her”, we have, a lot, about this same thing. Good conversations. She is aware of how I’m feeling.

Any advice, or has anyone else gone through this. Like I said, we have talked a lot about this but I would love to discuss with others as well.

The good news is that the two of you both want at least some level of extra-marital sex for her, and that you are communicating about your needs. You haven't told us much about what's happening in your marriage - like: does she date several guys, or is she just seeing one special guy? Spend the night with him at his place? Does the sex happen in your home, or elsewhere? There's so many facets to all of this! And the two of you may be able to find a sexy middle-ground that addresses each of your needs. Like maybe she brings her guy to your home and you participate with them at first, then leave them alone? Looking at this from our (my wife and I) perspective, when her relationship with her first lover was heating up, I was feeling a bit left out as well (but excited by what was happening) and I was feeling a loss of control. My wife pointed out that the control thing was my real issue and that I had to give up some control in order for her to explore her needs. I had to admit, she had a valid point.

My wife and I agreed early in our relationship (before we married) that she'd have BF's from time to time and that she'd enjoy threesomes in our bed and elsewhere, - with me mainly playing a more passive role. That was our start point. I didn't yet have the nerve to tell her I just wanted to watch. She had one main guy (a married coworker) and we had regular (every three or four weeks) threesomes with him for a few months and it was easy for me to see that the two of them were growing closer. As we talked about it after sex one Sunday morning (just the two of us) she really opened up and shared with me that she needed the emotional connection to have really good sex with a guy and that she'd caught feelings for our threesome buddy. And in addition to the way she enjoyed sex with him, that she was experiencing orgasm with him, while not often cumming with me in her. Pretty blunt stuff. I was excited and aroused, but concerned about the impact on our marriage, and my wife assured me that she "could love two men." It turned out to be one of the best discussions we ever had and led to a 9 year relationship with her guy. It only ended when he accepted a work assignment in another state.

In our view, "rules" are closely tied to a need for control. While a "rule" or two may be necessary for safety, too many of them make it too challenging for everyone to cut loose and have the good time they are seeking. "Overnights" are a big step that some couples welcome, and other couples find frightening, scary. I sure understand your concern as overnights (without you being there in bed with them) are a bit step that has relationship implications.

 

[Fredposer2017]

Recently my wife has been playing and having a great time but I’m kind of taken aback by the speed at which our choices and preferences have changed.

When we first started, the rules were 1) I’m always there during play
2) no solo dates alone
3) no overnights.

Recently, she has really leaned into the first two, and really wants to do the last also. The chance is there for her. I want her to experience this because I know she wants it but I’m not sure I’m really comfortable with it. I feel left behind. It’s not even a lifestyle for us anymore. It’s a lifestyle for her. I’m just here. Not a part of anything.

For those who will say “talk to her”, we have, a lot, about this same thing. Good conversations. She is aware of how I’m feeling.

Any advice, or has anyone else gone through this. Like I said, we have talked a lot about this but I would love to discuss with others as well.

Our number one rule, that I am present when she fucks another man has stood fast, never changed and never violated.

 

[Jerryteroga]

She is most definitely always honest with me. And it’s really just with one guy who had become her “boyfriend”. I’m not allowed to play at all with anyone else, but she has complete freedom. I was okay with this because I was involved and got to watch or play as well. Currently, they just do their thing and I’m not involved at all, and she will come home and tell me about it, but she’s not great at detail and she never brings me pics or vids, so quite literally I am not involved at all.

We are pretty new to this whole thing. We have technically been “active” for about 3 years, but took a couple huge breaks so if we count just the time we’ve been active, it’s been less than a year.

Maybe I’m overthinking things. Maybe I’m being a giant bitch lol. I don’t know. That’s why I came to check with those of you who are far more experienced than me.

I agree this would not seem fun or enjoyable for me, the whole purpose for me was to be involved because i enjoyed it and she only ever began because enjoyed it. So she does it for me basically, i am going to need details, photo, video, watch and participate, even being being teased, humiliated and denied would be enough involvement. You should just talk to her and have a conversation and tell her what you need, if she cares she will at least try.

 

[nicebiguy]

Recently my wife has been playing and having a great time but I’m kind of taken aback by the speed at which our choices and preferences have changed.

When we first started, the rules were 1) I’m always there during play
2) no solo dates alone
3) no overnights.

Recently, she has really leaned into the first two, and really wants to do the last also. The chance is there for her. I want her to experience this because I know she wants it but I’m not sure I’m really comfortable with it. I feel left behind. It’s not even a lifestyle for us anymore. It’s a lifestyle for her. I’m just here. Not a part of anything.

For those who will say “talk to her”, we have, a lot, about this same thing. Good conversations. She is aware of how I’m feeling.

Any advice, or has anyone else gone through this. Like I said, we have talked a lot about this but I would love to discuss with others as well.

If you've already talked about it and things haven't changed it seems she doesn't care about what you want. Since she's broken the rules, my guess is shes going to leave you.

 

[Anonymousrob84]

If you've already talked about it and things haven't changed it seems she doesn't care about what you want. Since she's broken the rules, my guess is shes going to leave you.

Well, we talked about it and I told her she could do those things. She didn’t break them behind my back or anything.

 

[coastalkid]

She is most definitely always honest with me. And it’s really just with one guy who had become her “boyfriend”. I’m not allowed to play at all with anyone else, but she has complete freedom. I was okay with this because I was involved and got to watch or play as well. Currently, they just do their thing and I’m not involved at all, and she will come home and tell me about it, but she’s not great at detail and she never brings me pics or vids, so quite literally I am not involved at all.

We are pretty new to this whole thing. We have technically been “active” for about 3 years, but took a couple huge breaks so if we count just the time we’ve been active, it’s been less than a year.

Maybe I’m overthinking things. Maybe I’m being a giant bitch lol. I don’t know. That’s why I came to check with those of you who are far more experienced than me.

I definitely don't believe you're over thinking this! If your wife can't easily tell you what you're getting out the present situation then she is lost in her own world. She needs to be aware that things are headed in a bad direction if some adjustments aren't made. It doesn't sound like you are going to be happy with the present routine. You should consider pushing for your freedom because you'd really like to experience what she is feeling and enjoying. Hopefully she's smart enough to know she's way out of balance here.

 

[Anonymousrob84]

I definitely don't believe you're over thinking this! If your wife can't easily tell you what you're getting out the present situation then she is lost in her own world. She needs to be aware that things are headed in a bad direction if some adjustments aren't made. It doesn't sound like you are going to be happy with the present routine. You should consider pushing for your freedom because you'd really like to experience what she is feeling and enjoying. Hopefully she's smart enough to know she's way out of balance here.

Thank you for the real advice and not just telling me she’s going to leave me. We have had some serious conversations recently. We will see what comes of them but their “overnight” is fast approaching