Anyone else have this
- Thread starter Anonymousrob84
- Start date
Looks like rules are always difficult to establish, especially with the time and things going on... If someday that come true, is something I already took same time thinking about and isn't always clear in my mind, cause rules can change with situations or maybe some rules are difficult to control. I think some big rules must keep intact, but other small rules may change with time.
It's fairly simple. When you start playing you decide on the rules. These should only be changed if both of you want the change.
I insist on being able to attend every meeting and have the right to join in if I want to.
That doesn't mean I won't let her play without me or I have to be involved in play but the option must be there as per our agreed rules.
These are the rules we agreed to and she has never considered any other way.
In fact she tells guy "thanks but no thanks" if he insists on just him and her.
I don't have a problem with a guy asking to have her to himself, and I have agreed to it but he has to accept no if that's the answer.
We figured out right away that #1 and 2 were going to be difficult for us. Maybe its just because we were in a very Conservative area, but meeting guys via ads (popular at the time) was not bringing the quality type of guy she preferred/still prefers. And the advent o the internet being available to EVERYONE has not halped that one bit. So she started looking at friends/co-workers for relationships that started as friends and became sexual because they liked each other.
Also, I tended to "direct" things, which she HATED!! I realize why now, when I listen to guys doing this on posted videos. She felt like my private porn star versus being able to relax and REALLY let go and enjoy what she was doing. Ended that pretty quickly, she said she'd rather not do it at all.
#3 went by the wayside when she started having relationships with guys she worked with and they traveled for business. Certainly she wasn't going to abide by a "curfew time" when involved in an affair with a co-worker and they were in Vegas or Tampa together!! LOL Whichever room they landed in that night was the one they generally woke up in the next morning. And most of her meetings, and presentations in front of the company that day were done with her Lovers sperm slipping into her panties or running down her thighs!!
And once that started, it was hard to put that horse back in the barn when she was home and wanted to see whomever she was currently having an affair with at work, so solo dates and overnights were the norm, especially if they had been drinking. She did try a couple times to let guys know that I was aware of their relationship so MAYBE I could be there, but they BOLTED when they found this out!! One guy she REALLY wanted to have an affair with, they hadn't crossed the line yet from flirting and a little making out and he kept stopping saying "what about CW".......she told him that I was OK with this, and he NEVER came near her again!! Would barely talk to her regarding work. Despite the non-participant fantasies here, you don't just walk up to guys and say "you can fuck me if my husband wtaches" and get a positive response from that.
So none of it worked for us for very long. She does what she does and tells me about it later. I wouldn't give much creedence to the woe-mongers saying she's leaving you, tell her NO, etc. They are obviously NOT involved (most that post here are not actually involved, they have masturbation fantasies about how things go). TALK to her, let her know your concerns so she can be honest and allay those fears, and tell you waht SHE needs from this, and let her enjoy this in her way. Some women NEED that emotional contact and closeness to do this and enjoy it. Doesn't mean they are replacing you...........it means she does NOT have that on/off switch on her back that is attached to your orgasm, or your mindset for the day. Nothing more.....they ARE real people with real feelings and real desires that don't always match up with yours.
"Few years" of real life experience advice here...............CW
Also, I tended to "direct" things, which she HATED!! I realize why now, when I listen to guys doing this on posted videos. She felt like my private porn star versus being able to relax and REALLY let go and enjoy what she was doing. Ended that pretty quickly, she said she'd rather not do it at all.
#3 went by the wayside when she started having relationships with guys she worked with and they traveled for business. Certainly she wasn't going to abide by a "curfew time" when involved in an affair with a co-worker and they were in Vegas or Tampa together!! LOL Whichever room they landed in that night was the one they generally woke up in the next morning. And most of her meetings, and presentations in front of the company that day were done with her Lovers sperm slipping into her panties or running down her thighs!!
And once that started, it was hard to put that horse back in the barn when she was home and wanted to see whomever she was currently having an affair with at work, so solo dates and overnights were the norm, especially if they had been drinking. She did try a couple times to let guys know that I was aware of their relationship so MAYBE I could be there, but they BOLTED when they found this out!! One guy she REALLY wanted to have an affair with, they hadn't crossed the line yet from flirting and a little making out and he kept stopping saying "what about CW".......she told him that I was OK with this, and he NEVER came near her again!! Would barely talk to her regarding work. Despite the non-participant fantasies here, you don't just walk up to guys and say "you can fuck me if my husband wtaches" and get a positive response from that.
So none of it worked for us for very long. She does what she does and tells me about it later. I wouldn't give much creedence to the woe-mongers saying she's leaving you, tell her NO, etc. They are obviously NOT involved (most that post here are not actually involved, they have masturbation fantasies about how things go). TALK to her, let her know your concerns so she can be honest and allay those fears, and tell you waht SHE needs from this, and let her enjoy this in her way. Some women NEED that emotional contact and closeness to do this and enjoy it. Doesn't mean they are replacing you...........it means she does NOT have that on/off switch on her back that is attached to your orgasm, or your mindset for the day. Nothing more.....they ARE real people with real feelings and real desires that don't always match up with yours.
"Few years" of real life experience advice here...............CW
My wife used to do some away overnighters, but I didn't feel comfortable with them. Partly because I felt left out, and partly because I was concerned for her safety. We discussed it, and we decided she could do overnighters with me present, either with me in another room in our house, or in an adjoining room in a hotel. That way I felt connected by being able to listen, which for me is a huge turn on, and I was able to know she was safe. I totally get why she wants to spend the night with her lovers, and I wouldn't want to deny her that.
My concern with what you wrote is that you don't feel connected to the lifestyle any more, that you don't feel that you're a part of anything. What were you doing when you did feel part of it? What do you need to be doing now to feel a part of it? I feel part of it because I get to listen, and then later I get to hear my wife tell me all that happened. I hope you find what works for you.
My concern with what you wrote is that you don't feel connected to the lifestyle any more, that you don't feel that you're a part of anything. What were you doing when you did feel part of it? What do you need to be doing now to feel a part of it? I feel part of it because I get to listen, and then later I get to hear my wife tell me all that happened. I hope you find what works for you.
I can't claim to be an expert here, as we haven't shared yet, though we've discussed it and role-played.
I don't agree though that it has to be an all or nothing proposition. It's like saying - well, you let your wife go outside the house unattended, so if she ends up fucking someone, you opened the door and now you have to accept it. If you agree to watch the kids every Thursday night so your wife can go play tennis - now you have to accept it if she decides to play tennis 7 nights per week! That's just silly...
People break up, fuck around with other people, then get back together and resume monogamy all the time. Surely its possible to also enjoy extra freedoms within a relationship, within certain bounds?
You can craft whatever agreement works for your relationship, that feels like a reasonable compromise and satisfies both your needs. Will it always be easy for both people to stay within these boundaries and ensure the other person's needs are being met - no, of course not... being faithfully monogamous isn't easy either or there wouldn't be so much cheating.
While some dudes on here are betas who get off somehow (sorry, no judgement if you like that, I just totally don't get it) on being sexually neglected and deprived of attention from their partner, there's certainly other's of us who aren't into that. If I felt neglected and my needs weren't being met, why would I want to continue to remain in the relationship, let alone allow my wife all these extra freedoms that she wouldn't allow me?
If you continue to feel like you're giving more than you're receiving, resentment will slowly grow and sour the relationship. The exchange doesn't necessarily need to always be equal (if that can even be measured in these sort of situations), you have to feel like you're getting enough and not giving more than you're comfortable with.
You need to be able to say - look, I enjoy you having some extra sexual freedoms and I derive pleasure from it too when I feel involved. It's important for me to reconnect with you at the end of the evening after you've played. Spending the night makes me feel too uninvolved and uncomfortable. It's a bit too much right now and I want this to remain fun for both of us.
She needs to either accept that she already has pretty generous freedoms and feel satisfied with that or find a way that she can make an overnight fun for you too, otherwise that just seems kind of selfish and bodes ill for the future health of your relationship. I mean, if my wife told me I could go fuck other women but each time I had to write her a 5000 word essay about how beautiful she is and give her a 3hr massage, I'd be like "where's a pen and let me start warming the oil."
I don't agree though that it has to be an all or nothing proposition. It's like saying - well, you let your wife go outside the house unattended, so if she ends up fucking someone, you opened the door and now you have to accept it. If you agree to watch the kids every Thursday night so your wife can go play tennis - now you have to accept it if she decides to play tennis 7 nights per week! That's just silly...
People break up, fuck around with other people, then get back together and resume monogamy all the time. Surely its possible to also enjoy extra freedoms within a relationship, within certain bounds?
You can craft whatever agreement works for your relationship, that feels like a reasonable compromise and satisfies both your needs. Will it always be easy for both people to stay within these boundaries and ensure the other person's needs are being met - no, of course not... being faithfully monogamous isn't easy either or there wouldn't be so much cheating.
While some dudes on here are betas who get off somehow (sorry, no judgement if you like that, I just totally don't get it) on being sexually neglected and deprived of attention from their partner, there's certainly other's of us who aren't into that. If I felt neglected and my needs weren't being met, why would I want to continue to remain in the relationship, let alone allow my wife all these extra freedoms that she wouldn't allow me?
If you continue to feel like you're giving more than you're receiving, resentment will slowly grow and sour the relationship. The exchange doesn't necessarily need to always be equal (if that can even be measured in these sort of situations), you have to feel like you're getting enough and not giving more than you're comfortable with.
You need to be able to say - look, I enjoy you having some extra sexual freedoms and I derive pleasure from it too when I feel involved. It's important for me to reconnect with you at the end of the evening after you've played. Spending the night makes me feel too uninvolved and uncomfortable. It's a bit too much right now and I want this to remain fun for both of us.
She needs to either accept that she already has pretty generous freedoms and feel satisfied with that or find a way that she can make an overnight fun for you too, otherwise that just seems kind of selfish and bodes ill for the future health of your relationship. I mean, if my wife told me I could go fuck other women but each time I had to write her a 5000 word essay about how beautiful she is and give her a 3hr massage, I'd be like "where's a pen and let me start warming the oil."
We didn't create but one rule: if either of us is uncomfortable with what's going on we are to say so and things will stop right away until we sort it out. That didn't mean breaking off the relationship immediately, it just meant pausing the sex between my wife and BF. A year or so after she started playing with him, she said we needed to talk and I was afraid that meant she was done with him or that he'd really pissed her off or something. Or maybe even that she was pregnant with him. I didn't know. But what she said was that she had feelings for him now, and didn't think she could stop seeing him - this was probably the last opportunity for her to break it off as she was falling in love with him. We had a long talk at that point and she reassured me enough to where I was good with continuing with a few little tweaks (mainly concerned with my time with her). All in all, it went just short of six years until he had to call it off as his wife was getting uncomfortable (we'd had a pregnancy scare).
My wife and I are in the same place as you and your wife I believe. So, like you, I'm no expert either. I get the idea for having "rules". Entering this lifestyle is uncharted territory, you have no experience to draw upon and everything is an unknown. There's no way of knowing how everyone will react or respond. Rules/guidelines/guardrails that seem important to start with can easily change going from no experience to experienced.
In order to have any kind of rules there would have to be some sort of discussion. That's the important part. If your expectation is that your sex life will be enhanced there has to be a way to confirm and verify that has occurred. I can see how this is a tricky thing. You have your own personal view of the experience. She has her own personal view of the experience. If either one is left to the individual there can easily be misunderstood outcomes.
I've come to believe that not all women are up to the responsibility of wielding their "power of the pussy". It feels like they live in a world free from consequences. They are insulated with, "Well, this was your idea!" or, "It's just New Relationship Energy (NRE)!" They've known and understood consequences all their lives. If you get caught speeding you get a fine. If you get caught speeding enough times your insurance goes up. If a wife can't immediately and convincingly say what her husband gets out of the deal then it's clear she's not aware.
I think the reason some of these relationships work is because is because there is an exceptionally smart woman in it. A woman that knows she has it good and wants to keep her good thing going is aware of the balance that is needed to carry on. It could be too that the reason some women don't want to be in the lifestyle is that they are smart enough to know they aren't up to the empowerment. There are a ton of examples of women that ...... their authority here. Those stories/threads are sensational but only for a short time. They disappear under their own weight.
If all it took was a 5000 word essay and a 3 hour massage I'd be right there with you! I will say reading posts here has really opened my eyes to more of what I DON'T want than it has to what I do!
But what was her motivation ? Just curious or something else ?
It was a sign, just be cautious as sometimes women think very differently from men ....
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