Relationships are built on trust. She did so much to destroy his trust.
I am of the mindset to never say never, but she would have a LOT of work to do to regain his trust, IMHO.
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I am of the mindset to never say never, but she would have a LOT of work to do to regain his trust, IMHO.
I’m not going to say never to anything, but needadom is spot on that it would take a lot of work to fix what is broken. She cannot take back the things she has said nor the things she has done. My wife has made it clear that she isn’t interested in working on anything to do with us at this time, but says she wants me to go to her family get togethers like we did when we were married. I feel like she wants to parade me in front of her family as though all is well. She doesn’t care what I need and I cannot be critical of anything she has done or is doing. At this point, my wife basically wants me to do all the things a husband does (except anything physical) and expect nothing in return.
Each day, I care less about salvaging anything with her. Simply put, I deserve better. I keep wanting back what I thought I had. However, I never had what I thought we had. I’m just not looking forward to the process of getting from where I am to where I need to be.
To directly answer coastalkids question, I cannot lay out what needs to happen for us to even begin down the path of reconciliation. My wife would have to make the first move and it would have to be genuine before I would even respond. She has said on numerous occasions “who knows what might happen in a year or two.” She seems to think that I am just going to wait for her. She doesn’t realize how much of an insult that is when she assumes I’m just going to let her do whatever and be waiting for her with open arms the minute she changes her mind again.
Each day, I care less about salvaging anything with her. Simply put, I deserve better. I keep wanting back what I thought I had. However, I never had what I thought we had. I’m just not looking forward to the process of getting from where I am to where I need to be.
To directly answer coastalkids question, I cannot lay out what needs to happen for us to even begin down the path of reconciliation. My wife would have to make the first move and it would have to be genuine before I would even respond. She has said on numerous occasions “who knows what might happen in a year or two.” She seems to think that I am just going to wait for her. She doesn’t realize how much of an insult that is when she assumes I’m just going to let her do whatever and be waiting for her with open arms the minute she changes her mind again.
I wasn’t suggesting you do anything. I was just going off the idea that you would consider her living in the house for 5.5 years. I totally get the feeling disrespected. It just sounded like you have an open mind to even consider such a thing. Your happiness is every bit as important as her’s is. From your account of things she doesn’t sound very concerned about your happiness. She sounds lost and on her way to a lifetime of regret.
Coastalkid,
I appreciate the feedback! The comments to this post give me productive things to think about. There is a reasonable chance that she comes back at some point and wants to give it another shot. I need to be prepared for that. You don’t spend 18 years with someone and get through some tough times if you don’t care about them. However, I don’t understand how she came to the conclusion that she was done now. Things were finally starting to get easier for us as the kids got older. I guess we just lost our way raising the kids and she now wants more than she thinks I can provide. I am not a bad boy who is going to keep her on her toes. I am extremely reliable and predictable. As far as kinky perverted husbands go, I’m probably as predictable as they get. 🙂. Maybe that’s where I lost her. Only she knows what she is thinking at this time.
Each day gets easier than the last. I am looking forward to the future and seeing what is in store for me.
Have a great evening!
I appreciate the feedback! The comments to this post give me productive things to think about. There is a reasonable chance that she comes back at some point and wants to give it another shot. I need to be prepared for that. You don’t spend 18 years with someone and get through some tough times if you don’t care about them. However, I don’t understand how she came to the conclusion that she was done now. Things were finally starting to get easier for us as the kids got older. I guess we just lost our way raising the kids and she now wants more than she thinks I can provide. I am not a bad boy who is going to keep her on her toes. I am extremely reliable and predictable. As far as kinky perverted husbands go, I’m probably as predictable as they get. 🙂. Maybe that’s where I lost her. Only she knows what she is thinking at this time.
Each day gets easier than the last. I am looking forward to the future and seeing what is in store for me.
Have a great evening!
She sounds completely self-centered and selfish. That’s why she thinks she can wait a year or two and still expect Iahotwifehusband to be hanging around desperately waiting to be her Plan B. Her tune will likely change as soon as she realizes he has the audacity to move on without her.
Which way her attitude will change will be anyone’s guess. Either she will be in full regret/recovery mode or full nuke mode. In either case, it will likely be self-centered rather than what Iahotwifehusband needs to move forward and to help him heal. Either way, it’s not likely to be pretty.
In other words, it will still be about her rather than what is best for Iahotwifehusband.
@Iahotwifeshusband, to quote the movie Monty Python’s Holy Grail, “Run away!”
Sometimes things are broke beyond their ability to be fixed. That's when you toss it out and get a replacement thing.
I'm going to repeat myself:
Keep your mouth shut and head down until the divorce.
Then, harden your heart. You are a man, suck it up and "run away". Far, fast and forever. Make it absolutely clear that you are DONE with her. In "a couple of years" you will be so used to referring to her as your EX-WIFE that you will lose the hurt and bitterness today brings.
Keep your mouth shut and head down until the divorce.
Then, harden your heart. You are a man, suck it up and "run away". Far, fast and forever. Make it absolutely clear that you are DONE with her. In "a couple of years" you will be so used to referring to her as your EX-WIFE that you will lose the hurt and bitterness today brings.
Good advice chiefmac. This is exactly what I am doing. We sat the kids down last night and finally told them that we are legally separating. I let my wife did most of the talking. She explained it as she saw fit and said nothing about the affair. I just focused on the fact that we love the kids and they remain our top priority. There weren’t many questions, but were plenty of tears.
I also questioned my wife yesterday for her lack of progress on anything to do with the details of the financial split. She needs to understand that legally separating means that she no longer has access to all my financial support. It amazes me how little she has thought this through.
One thing that drove last night’s conversation was our ...... making a comment about not wanting to be home anymore because of how my wife treats all of us and her unreasonable expectations for everyone else. It was pretty accurate from my teenage ....... She had a conversation with my wife alone and my wife basically told my ...... that she needs to be nicer to her ...... if she wants to be treated better. I later talked to my ...... and said I didn’t agree with that. My wife is sending the message that you should treat people the way they treat you. I’d rather my ...... treat people the way she wants to be treated but not hang around people who treat her poorly. Which, ironically, is what she is trying to do.
I wonder how long it will take before the kids decide they don’t want their mom around. My ...... has already picked up on comments my wife has shared on social media while traveling for work saying “ living my best life” while hours away from her family. My wife really has no idea the message she is sending. I hope some day she realizes and is able to repair the relationships with our kids.
I also questioned my wife yesterday for her lack of progress on anything to do with the details of the financial split. She needs to understand that legally separating means that she no longer has access to all my financial support. It amazes me how little she has thought this through.
One thing that drove last night’s conversation was our ...... making a comment about not wanting to be home anymore because of how my wife treats all of us and her unreasonable expectations for everyone else. It was pretty accurate from my teenage ....... She had a conversation with my wife alone and my wife basically told my ...... that she needs to be nicer to her ...... if she wants to be treated better. I later talked to my ...... and said I didn’t agree with that. My wife is sending the message that you should treat people the way they treat you. I’d rather my ...... treat people the way she wants to be treated but not hang around people who treat her poorly. Which, ironically, is what she is trying to do.
I wonder how long it will take before the kids decide they don’t want their mom around. My ...... has already picked up on comments my wife has shared on social media while traveling for work saying “ living my best life” while hours away from her family. My wife really has no idea the message she is sending. I hope some day she realizes and is able to repair the relationships with our kids.
Keep pushing forward. It sounds like she will likely drag her feet because of what it means for her. If it comes down to it, just file.
You can influence your ...... to treat her ...... with respect while maintaining her own boundaries. This is a great life lesson. But your wife’s relationship with her children should not be your concern. You concentrate on your relationship with them! That is what you can and must continue to influence.
After you are completely separated, your wife’s relationships will fall into the category of, “not my circus; not my monkeys”
I look forward to when it isn’t my circus or monkeys! Life will be so much simpler!
I'm not a lawyer. There is a HUGE difference between separated and divorced.
Your STBXW (Soon To Be Ex Wife) is a classic narcissist, she wants her cake and eat it too. You are going to be the bad guy in her telling of the tale. Go with the flow, keep cool. Make the Final Decree your #1 goal. Keep communication with the kids open but don't confide in them. They are only pawns in her world view.
Bite your tounge, count to 10, do not let her distract you from the divorce.
Kids are resilient, afterwards you can bring them up to speed, but for now the divorce is the only goal. Her wishes and stories will change 100 times in the coming months. Keep calm, you don't want this to drag on one day longer than necessary
Your STBXW (Soon To Be Ex Wife) is a classic narcissist, she wants her cake and eat it too. You are going to be the bad guy in her telling of the tale. Go with the flow, keep cool. Make the Final Decree your #1 goal. Keep communication with the kids open but don't confide in them. They are only pawns in her world view.
Bite your tounge, count to 10, do not let her distract you from the divorce.
Kids are resilient, afterwards you can bring them up to speed, but for now the divorce is the only goal. Her wishes and stories will change 100 times in the coming months. Keep calm, you don't want this to drag on one day longer than necessary
This is actually a typical cheater’s coping mechanism. It’s called “rewriting marital history.” It helps the cheater to justify their actions so they don’t feel so shitty about themselves.
I do not necessarily agree with this. If you want to keep the childrens’ trust, ALWAYS tell them the truth. Sanitize it, yes. But always tell the truth!
That said, do not put the children in the middle and make them a go-between the differing parties. It’s another crappy coping mechanism for getting someone else to do your dirty work. A lot of relational damage could get done doing this.
I have been very careful with the words I use when talking to the kids. I want to be honest at all times, but also protect them from info they don’t need to know. The kids remain my number one priority. Number two is my financial future. Everything else is not even a factor for me.
I had a talk with my wife today about decisions needed to legally separate and she basically said that she isn’t sure what she wants. I made her understand that if we aren’t working on us, we are going to work on dividing things up and taking legal action. I explained that I am not going to sit here and wait to see if she changes her mind. She has made her decision and that is to not work on us. So the next step is separating stuff and she can see what life is like without my support. That’s how it is supposed to work. I am moving forward as efficiently as I can and think that any slowdown is bad for me at this point.
I had a talk with my wife today about decisions needed to legally separate and she basically said that she isn’t sure what she wants. I made her understand that if we aren’t working on us, we are going to work on dividing things up and taking legal action. I explained that I am not going to sit here and wait to see if she changes her mind. She has made her decision and that is to not work on us. So the next step is separating stuff and she can see what life is like without my support. That’s how it is supposed to work. I am moving forward as efficiently as I can and think that any slowdown is bad for me at this point.
Good job on the kids!
It sounds like she wants to keep dragging her feet. Get legal counseling quickly and start making decisions without her.
I don’t see any choice in this. I was just clarifying with my wife that she has no interest in working on us now. When we originally started down this path, I wanted to work on us. She said she wanted to date both of us, but she didn’t have any intentions of dating me at all. She just wants to keep me as her backup plan. That has been consistently clear over the past month plus. I am not waiting any longer. By not making a decision, she has made her decision. That’s basically what ai told her last night.
She doesn’t like being pushed and was frustrated with me and I expect her to spin it as me wanting the divorce. I am moving forward.
I have thought about any scenario where we could start to fix things and I can’t think of any scenario that works for me at this point. I would always know I was her safe choice but would never feel like the one she wants to be with. I need to either just be me alone or find someone who appreciates me for me. That’s it!
She doesn’t like being pushed and was frustrated with me and I expect her to spin it as me wanting the divorce. I am moving forward.
I have thought about any scenario where we could start to fix things and I can’t think of any scenario that works for me at this point. I would always know I was her safe choice but would never feel like the one she wants to be with. I need to either just be me alone or find someone who appreciates me for me. That’s it!
You do have a choice, everyone does, including your wife. Don't pressure, you can "lean" but not pressure. i have been in this situation although not in your shoes, i was the person having the affair. nine months. so your wife is relatively new the "honeymoon" stage. She needs to know what she will lose, who she will lose and also how to respect you again as her HUSBAND. My wife did this to me and we are still together. i literally sat at the door with a suitcase after all she had thrown at me and cursed me and god knows what, i asked he "do YOU want me to stay" and she said "YES". but she still hated me for a while as you will with her, Now she will dress in new clothes and ask, "do i look as good as your girlfriend?" and laugh. She made me realise what id lose and she was right!. you need to make your wife realise what she will lose with you, not just letting go.. good luck sir dont just give up if you love her x
This tale is too long for a quick recap. He's on the right path, she needs to GO! No amount of counseling will repair their relationship. She would stay and just go on to be a secret cheater.
I continue to push forward. I haven’t received any feedback from my wife on decisions or next steps, so I sent her a couple of financial proposals that would work for me. She replied to that email with a very short question and said nothing more. We had a busy night with kid activities so didn’t have a chance to talk.
She did mention in passing that she may have to go to her supplierSunday through Wednesday next week. I just said okay at the time. My youngest ...... heard her comment and asked if that was Chicago. I said yes and he just rolled his eyes. I left that alone. I’m sure it is frustrating for him, but the kids have told me they are less stressed when their mom isn’t around. I have been trying to mitigate that, but it’s hard.
This morning, I asked for clarification on why she needed to go to her supplier since a week ago she told me travel would be limited. She replied asking if I am always going to question her travel now. I told her that I was just trying to understand and that I won’t ask again. I did let her know that we have a lot to work through and it will be hard if she doesn’t talk to me and I can’t ask questions.
I am just going to keep moving forward. She is just playing games and stringing me along. I am tired of this game. Just trying to remain cordial for the kids while not allowing her to take advantage of me. She does seem to respond when I stand up for myself, but it often takes some time for her to not be defensive
One day at a time.
She did mention in passing that she may have to go to her supplierSunday through Wednesday next week. I just said okay at the time. My youngest ...... heard her comment and asked if that was Chicago. I said yes and he just rolled his eyes. I left that alone. I’m sure it is frustrating for him, but the kids have told me they are less stressed when their mom isn’t around. I have been trying to mitigate that, but it’s hard.
This morning, I asked for clarification on why she needed to go to her supplier since a week ago she told me travel would be limited. She replied asking if I am always going to question her travel now. I told her that I was just trying to understand and that I won’t ask again. I did let her know that we have a lot to work through and it will be hard if she doesn’t talk to me and I can’t ask questions.
I am just going to keep moving forward. She is just playing games and stringing me along. I am tired of this game. Just trying to remain cordial for the kids while not allowing her to take advantage of me. She does seem to respond when I stand up for myself, but it often takes some time for her to not be defensive
One day at a time.
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