Fantasy vs. Reality

[Discretefun66]

Thank you for your reply and thank you for understanding the motivation for my questions. It's tough to sort out the sensationalized posts from the true ones. It's much easier to believe posts that reveal the vulnerability of the husband/bf. Like in your post you state that at no time did your wife make you feel insecure or degraded yet further on in your reply you said you HAD plenty of feelings, emotions, personal insecurities and an ego to overcome. Even though your wife didn't intentionally MAKE you feel that way did she later realize why you had felt that way? When you were in the midst of those issues did you face them alone? Did your wife recognize your struggle(s) at the time? Did she do anything that helped you work past those issues?

For better or for worse I did not let on to my wife the feelings/emotions I was going through in the moment. I kept everything to myself and continued to encourage her and act (albeit a small act) like I was very turned on by seeing my wife with other men. Each time we had MFM adventures it became less and less difficult to process until reaching the point where I was turned on by what she was doing with other men. So to answer the question of facing my feeling alone, yes I faced them alone. This also answer the next question since I never shared my true feelings at the time there was no opportunity for her to help or know I was struggling. I should clarify that the most intense feelings where in the first few MFM encounters. Sharing her went from partially negative to extremely positive very quickly. I was able to handle it and did not need to say anything to her. It isn't a science but I would say or give advice along the lines of if when you first get in to the lifestyle and your feelings of doubt, jealousy, bruised ego, inferiority, threatened, etc. subside then you will be alright.

I can only speak for myself but can say that if my feelings did not lesson over time then I would have put an end to what we where doing. It would have been a big red flag that sharing the wife with other men was not something I could not only handle but learn to enjoy. I think I said it before but this lifestyle is not for everyone. The marriage has to be rock solid and communication between each other open and honest.

 

[coastalkid]

For better or for worse I did not let on to my wife the feelings/emotions I was going through in the moment. I kept everything to myself and continued to encourage her and act (albeit a small act) like I was very turned on by seeing my wife with other men. Each time we had MFM adventures it became less and less difficult to process until reaching the point where I was turned on by what she was doing with other men. So to answer the question of facing my feeling alone, yes I faced them alone. This also answer the next question since I never shared my true feelings at the time there was no opportunity for her to help or know I was struggling. I should clarify that the most intense feelings where in the first few MFM encounters. Sharing her went from partially negative to extremely positive very quickly. I was able to handle it and did not need to say anything to her. It isn't a science but I would say or give advice along the lines of if when you first get in to the lifestyle and your feelings of doubt, jealousy, bruised ego, inferiority, threatened, etc. subside then you will be alright.

I can only speak for myself but can say that if my feelings did not lesson over time then I would have put an end to what we where doing. It would have been a big red flag that sharing the wife with other men was not something I could not only handle but learn to enjoy. I think I said it before but this lifestyle is not for everyone. The marriage has to be rock solid and communication between each other open and honest.

Thanks for your reply. It was everything I expected it to be, honest and sincere!

Now that you've adjusted and you're "into" it, have you ever told your wife about how you felt back then, or is it something that's better left unsaid? Your telling of your story doesn't seem so unusual in regard to what I've read. I read many posts where men faced exactly the things you mentioned. Do you think it would make a difference in women if they were more aware of those feelings a husband has?

Once again, thank you for your reply! My questions are as sincere as your answers are! It makes sense when everyone says (including you) that, "The marriage has to be rock solid and communication between each other open and honest." I also believe that you need to have your own head together so you can have that rock solid marriage and open communication!

 

[Discretefun66]

Thanks for your reply. It was everything I expected it to be, honest and sincere!

Now that you've adjusted and you're "into" it, have you ever told your wife about how you felt back then, or is it something that's better left unsaid? Your telling of your story doesn't seem so unusual in regard to what I've read. I read many posts where men faced exactly the things you mentioned. Do you think it would make a difference in women if they were more aware of those feelings a husband has?

Once again, thank you for your reply! My questions are as sincere as your answers are! It makes sense when everyone says (including you) that, "The marriage has to be rock solid and communication between each other open and honest." I also believe that you need to have your own head together so you can have that rock solid marriage and open communication!

You’re very welcomed and thank you for the honest questions. I appreciate the conversation we have been having and I have been trying to answer you as honestly as I can.

I did eventually share my feelings with my wife regarding what it felt like to see her with other men. But when I did it was more along the lines of explaining why seeing her with others was a turn on and to share how over time, I evolved personally.

To give some context I would consider myself personality wise an Alpha, clean cut conservative type, not much in to role play especially anything DOM/SUB related (have experimented). An open relationship in my early years would definitely not have been something I would consider.

I can’t say if sharing my apprehension early on would have made a difference. I think it may have because the wife may have not opened up if she thought I was conflicted or it was a negative experience. My attitude was I suppose in line with how most of us (men) keep things bottled up. To an extent I did not say anything because I had already told her I was good with it and did not want to back out/down. I have to give this some more thought but I would say it is better to keep your thoughts to yourself, at least initially because they don’t really serve of purpose to share them. I was not ready to pull the plug after our first experience but would say that if you have overwhelming negative feelings you should put a stop to it.

I should mention that the “conflict” felt in my opinion is pretty normal. It is one of those things that on the one hand your wife is having sex with another man and this is taboo. Then on the other hand my wife is having sex with another man and this is such a turn on.

To add on to what you said as far as that you, “believe that you need to have your own head together” I think you are 100% correct, this is very much a mental challenge. Confidence, ego, jealousy, possessiveness are all things/emotions in our heads. It is something we have to deal with before going forward.

I think I mentioned going slow when thinking of having an open relationship and how to know how you will REALLY react. Something I heard once was to share a pic or pics of your wife with another man and then see how his reaction to her makes you feel. It is sort of superficial but it is a start. I did not try this myself but it would seem one way to “test the waters” of your own emotional reactions.