Fantasy vs. Reality

[coastalkid]

For better or for worse I did not let on to my wife the feelings/emotions I was going through in the moment. I kept everything to myself and continued to encourage her and act (albeit a small act) like I was very turned on by seeing my wife with other men. Each time we had MFM adventures it became less and less difficult to process until reaching the point where I was turned on by what she was doing with other men. So to answer the question of facing my feeling alone, yes I faced them alone. This also answer the next question since I never shared my true feelings at the time there was no opportunity for her to help or know I was struggling. I should clarify that the most intense feelings where in the first few MFM encounters. Sharing her went from partially negative to extremely positive very quickly. I was able to handle it and did not need to say anything to her. It isn't a science but I would say or give advice along the lines of if when you first get in to the lifestyle and your feelings of doubt, jealousy, bruised ego, inferiority, threatened, etc. subside then you will be alright.

I can only speak for myself but can say that if my feelings did not lesson over time then I would have put an end to what we where doing. It would have been a big red flag that sharing the wife with other men was not something I could not only handle but learn to enjoy. I think I said it before but this lifestyle is not for everyone. The marriage has to be rock solid and communication between each other open and honest.

Thanks for your reply. It was everything I expected it to be, honest and sincere!

Now that you've adjusted and you're "into" it, have you ever told your wife about how you felt back then, or is it something that's better left unsaid? Your telling of your story doesn't seem so unusual in regard to what I've read. I read many posts where men faced exactly the things you mentioned. Do you think it would make a difference in women if they were more aware of those feelings a husband has?

Once again, thank you for your reply! My questions are as sincere as your answers are! It makes sense when everyone says (including you) that, "The marriage has to be rock solid and communication between each other open and honest." I also believe that you need to have your own head together so you can have that rock solid marriage and open communication!

 

[Discretefun66]

Thanks for your reply. It was everything I expected it to be, honest and sincere!

Now that you've adjusted and you're "into" it, have you ever told your wife about how you felt back then, or is it something that's better left unsaid? Your telling of your story doesn't seem so unusual in regard to what I've read. I read many posts where men faced exactly the things you mentioned. Do you think it would make a difference in women if they were more aware of those feelings a husband has?

Once again, thank you for your reply! My questions are as sincere as your answers are! It makes sense when everyone says (including you) that, "The marriage has to be rock solid and communication between each other open and honest." I also believe that you need to have your own head together so you can have that rock solid marriage and open communication!

You’re very welcomed and thank you for the honest questions. I appreciate the conversation we have been having and I have been trying to answer you as honestly as I can.

I did eventually share my feelings with my wife regarding what it felt like to see her with other men. But when I did it was more along the lines of explaining why seeing her with others was a turn on and to share how over time, I evolved personally.

To give some context I would consider myself personality wise an Alpha, clean cut conservative type, not much in to role play especially anything DOM/SUB related (have experimented). An open relationship in my early years would definitely not have been something I would consider.

I can’t say if sharing my apprehension early on would have made a difference. I think it may have because the wife may have not opened up if she thought I was conflicted or it was a negative experience. My attitude was I suppose in line with how most of us (men) keep things bottled up. To an extent I did not say anything because I had already told her I was good with it and did not want to back out/down. I have to give this some more thought but I would say it is better to keep your thoughts to yourself, at least initially because they don’t really serve of purpose to share them. I was not ready to pull the plug after our first experience but would say that if you have overwhelming negative feelings you should put a stop to it.

I should mention that the “conflict” felt in my opinion is pretty normal. It is one of those things that on the one hand your wife is having sex with another man and this is taboo. Then on the other hand my wife is having sex with another man and this is such a turn on.

To add on to what you said as far as that you, “believe that you need to have your own head together” I think you are 100% correct, this is very much a mental challenge. Confidence, ego, jealousy, possessiveness are all things/emotions in our heads. It is something we have to deal with before going forward.

I think I mentioned going slow when thinking of having an open relationship and how to know how you will REALLY react. Something I heard once was to share a pic or pics of your wife with another man and then see how his reaction to her makes you feel. It is sort of superficial but it is a start. I did not try this myself but it would seem one way to “test the waters” of your own emotional reactions.

 

[coastalkid]

You’re very welcomed and thank you for the honest questions. I appreciate the conversation we have been having and I have been trying to answer you as honestly as I can.

I did eventually share my feelings with my wife regarding what it felt like to see her with other men. But when I did it was more along the lines of explaining why seeing her with others was a turn on and to share how over time, I evolved personally.

To give some context I would consider myself personality wise an Alpha, clean cut conservative type, not much in to role play especially anything DOM/SUB related (have experimented). An open relationship in my early years would definitely not have been something I would consider.

I can’t say if sharing my apprehension early on would have made a difference. I think it may have because the wife may have not opened up if she thought I was conflicted or it was a negative experience. My attitude was I suppose in line with how most of us (men) keep things bottled up. To an extent I did not say anything because I had already told her I was good with it and did not want to back out/down. I have to give this some more thought but I would say it is better to keep your thoughts to yourself, at least initially because they don’t really serve of purpose to share them. I was not ready to pull the plug after our first experience but would say that if you have overwhelming negative feelings you should put a stop to it.

I should mention that the “conflict” felt in my opinion is pretty normal. It is one of those things that on the one hand your wife is having sex with another man and this is taboo. Then on the other hand my wife is having sex with another man and this is such a turn on.

To add on to what you said as far as that you, “believe that you need to have your own head together” I think you are 100% correct, this is very much a mental challenge. Confidence, ego, jealousy, possessiveness are all things/emotions in our heads. It is something we have to deal with before going forward.

I think I mentioned going slow when thinking of having an open relationship and how to know how you will REALLY react. Something I heard once was to share a pic or pics of your wife with another man and then see how his reaction to her makes you feel. It is sort of superficial but it is a start. I did not try this myself but it would seem one way to “test the waters” of your own emotional reactions.

I too appreciate the conversations and I thank you for your patience with the questions. It sounds like you were wise to suppress your initial feelings. You gave yourself time to "evolve" as you put it.

It also sounds like you've survived and moved on personally. How do you guys do your "hot wifing"? What is your own personal sex life like? Is it better than ever?

 

[Discretefun66]

I too appreciate the conversations and I thank you for your patience with the questions. It sounds like you were wise to suppress your initial feelings. You gave yourself time to "evolve" as you put it.

It also sounds like you've survived and moved on personally. How do you guys do your "hot wifing"? What is your own personal sex life like? Is it better than ever?

For us we sort of worked out a system that changed after are first view adventures. When we decided we really weren't in to the swinger scene and I found that seeing the wife with other men was way a real turn on we figured out the best way for us to pursue that. The internet made all of it possible either the chat rooms that were around in the beginning like AOL, to the sites like AFF, Craigslist, Doublelist etc. We used these to find like-minded men who were interested. For the most part the way it work was advertise, get email, narrow it down to a few, then I meet them, then the wife meets them, then go from there. It did not go that way every time but as a general rule that was our process. This is what worked for "us" but may not be for everybody. We took our time, had concerns about discretion, STD's, personality conflicts, attitudes, respect, and so on. We have always been about quality and not quantity.

Our sex life is great and has always been. Our sexual attraction for each other has not diminished at all as a result of our lifestyle. As I mentioned knowing the wife hooks up with other men is a big turn on but that does not mean I would not have had the same desire otherwise. Its a superficial example but it is kind of like her wearing sexy lingerie. We you wife is wearing sexy panties, bra, or nightie it sort of gets your motor going. That's not to say you don't want her otherwise it is just sort of this spark.

 

[Superstar7]

Anyone else wonder if they’d actually be okay with it if their hotwife fantasies became reality? I’ve long fantasized about sharing my wife with other men. I even enjoy sharing her pics and talking dirty about her with guys online. The problem is that it doesn’t extend to real life. If we’re in public and I see a guy checking her out or trying to flirt with her, I immediately feel jealousy creep in. Same thing if I see her checking out other men (which she does often).

I want to talk to her about the idea of sharing her, but what if she agrees and I find out I’m not ready for it? Should I just drop the idea?

You and I are in the same boat. I have yearned for years to see my wife with another man. I have even talked to my older brother and shared a photo with him but that of course did not go the way I hoped. I hope someday she will do it not for me but for us!

 

[Stevens4fun]

It is very, very rare that you read anything here about a wife that encourages her husband and calms his insecurities. Usually it's the opposite of that, they push boundaries, they break or change rules, they act with unilateral impunity.

You make an excellent point here, in my view. I think the guys are sometimes too humiliated by the enormity of it all to 'fess up. When my wife told me she'd fallen in love with a man she was having sex with (in our home as well as while traveling for work) it scared the hell out of me until she reassured me there was no threat to our marriage. She was no longer having sex with him in the extra bedroom, - she was having sex with him in our bed. That was when I began to experience fear and I shared that concern with her. She convinced me that she could love two men and make it all work. And she did. For three years, until his wife grew uncomfortable after a pregnancy scare. To this day, I really appreciate how my wife didn't throw it all back in my face by saying "you asked for this, and now you don't want it?" We are still married and we still marvel at how hot the sex was during those three years.

 

[Stevens4fun]

Anyone else wonder if they’d actually be okay with it if their hotwife fantasies became reality? I’ve long fantasized about sharing my wife with other men. I even enjoy sharing her pics and talking dirty about her with guys online. The problem is that it doesn’t extend to real life. If we’re in public and I see a guy checking her out or trying to flirt with her, I immediately feel jealousy creep in. Same thing if I see her checking out other men (which she does often).

I want to talk to her about the idea of sharing her, but what if she agrees and I find out I’m not ready for it? Should I just drop the idea?

It's good that you are thinking about this stuff. Once you share your thoughts with your wife, she may be more enthusiastic than you! 😁 There's more than a few guys who have had that happen.

Reality is when you have just finished fucking your wife after her BF fucked her. You enjoyed "seconds" and it was every bit as hot and sexy as you expected. But the other guy is still in the bed with you and your wife. What happens then?

Reality is when you wake up alone in the extra bedroom on Sunday morning and your wife isn't in bed with you. She's in your marital bed enjoying her lover's morning wood and you are hesitant to enter. She's not showing any signs of wanting you back in the bed with them. You have normal "weekend things" you'd like to do with her after her lover leaves, but there's no indication he's going to leave, or that your wife wants him to leave. Soon, you hear them in the shower together, having sexy fun. She wants him to stay and keep fucking her all weekend. THIS is reality.

 

[Superstar7]

Anyone else wonder if they’d actually be okay with it if their hotwife fantasies became reality? I’ve long fantasized about sharing my wife with other men. I even enjoy sharing her pics and talking dirty about her with guys online. The problem is that it doesn’t extend to real life. If we’re in public and I see a guy checking her out or trying to flirt with her, I immediately feel jealousy creep in. Same thing if I see her checking out other men (which she does often).

I want to talk to her about the idea of sharing her, but what if she agrees and I find out I’m not ready for it? Should I just drop the idea?

You and I are in the same boat. I have yearned for years to see my wife with another man. I have even talked to my older brother and shared a photo with him but that of course did not go the way I hoped. I hope someday she will do it not for me but for us

You make an excellent point here, in my view. I think the guys are sometimes too humiliated by the enormity of it all to 'fess up. When my wife told me she'd fallen in love with a man she was having sex with (in our home as well as while traveling for work) it scared the hell out of me until she reassured me there was no threat to our marriage. She was no longer having sex with him in the extra bedroom, - she was having sex with him in our bed. That was when I began to experience fear and I shared that concern with her. She convinced me that she could love two men and make it all work. And she did. For three years, until his wife grew uncomfortable after a pregnancy scare. To this day, I really appreciate how my wife didn't throw it all back in my face by saying "you asked for this, and now you don't want it?" We are still married and we still marvel at how hot the sex was during those three years.

My wife has a fear of fallen for another man. She does not want what we have to end but believe if she went through with it that she will choose to end us. I like that she says those things to me because I do not believe it would happen so I tell her it won't. I am better at compartmentalizing my emotions than she is which is probably why. I do know if she ever chooses to do it all things need to be covered and I would love to have those conversations with her because as much as I want to do this I know I will be as nervous to begin a riveting new journey.

 

[Lovefeet]

It's good that you are thinking about this stuff. Once you share your thoughts with your wife, she may be more enthusiastic than you! 😁 There's more than a few guys who have had that happen.

Reality is when you have just finished fucking your wife after her BF fucked her. You enjoyed "seconds" and it was every bit as hot and sexy as you expected. But the other guy is still in the bed with you and your wife. What happens then?

Reality is when you wake up alone in the extra bedroom on Sunday morning and your wife isn't in bed with you. She's in your marital bed enjoying her lover's morning wood and you are hesitant to enter. She's not showing any signs of wanting you back in the bed with them. You have normal "weekend things" you'd like to do with her after her lover leaves, but there's no indication he's going to leave, or that your wife wants him to leave. Soon, you hear them in the shower together, having sexy fun. She wants him to stay and keep fucking her all weekend. THIS is reality.

Reality is physically removing both of them out the front door and being the master of your domain

 

[TommyFunn]

I shared my wife with a guy twice. It was the same guy both times. Jealousy hit me like a freight train. I was okay later but how she acts after the experience will be a factor too. If she suggests calling "him" to come play it might make you feel insignificant. There's no way of knowing without trying. I highly recommend laying down some ground rules if you decide to proceed with the possibility of making it a reality.

 

[Superstar7]

I shared my wife with a guy twice. It was the same guy both times. Jealousy hit me like a freight train. I was okay later but how she acts after the experience will be a factor too. If she suggests calling "him" to come play it might make you feel insignificant. There's no way of knowing without trying. I highly recommend laying down some ground rules if you decide to proceed with the possibility of making it a reality.

Agreed! I appreciate you bringing your experience to the post. Do you feel it is better for your woman's first time to be with a familiar face before she tries a new face?

 

[TommyFunn]

Agreed! I appreciate you bringing your experience to the post. Do you feel it is better for your woman's first time to be with a familiar face before she tries a new face?

My pleasure! Honestly I can't answer. The guy we invited to our bed we just found him online. I think it's more important for the woman to understand herself and be able to express to her husband what type of woman she is. There are plenty who can have meaningless sex but there are also those that have an emotional connection from it. Depends on the goals and fears I suppose.

 

[Superstar7]

My pleasure! Honestly I can't answer. The guy we invited to our bed we just found him online. I think it's more important for the woman to understand herself and be able to express to her husband what type of woman she is. There are plenty who can have meaningless sex but there are also those that have an emotional connection from it. Depends on the goals and fears I suppose.

Gotcha! I told my wife I could support her making an emotional connection to make it work. Emotions don't scare me to the point where I believe she would leave me but it does for her. Out of all the reasons she has told me no I believe the emotional connection reason is her biggest hurdle mentally. With her everything that could happen wrongly is tied to her emotions somehow.

 

[TommyFunn]

Gotcha! I told my wife I could support her making an emotional connection to make it work. Emotions don't scare me to the point where I believe she would leave me but it does for her. Out of all the reasons she has told me no I believe the emotional connection reason is her biggest hurdle mentally. With her everything that could happen wrongly is tied to her emotions somehow.

We discussed that about a year and a half ago. My wife is worried about attachment from the sex. I believe if she was away and a relationship couldn't work it would be safer. Women can be strange creatures but they often counter us which is beneficial too. 😄

 

[Superstar7]

We discussed that about a year and a half ago. My wife is worried about attachment from the sex. I believe if she was away and a relationship couldn't work it would be safer. Women can be strange creatures but they often counter us which is beneficial too. 😄

All in all I hope for the best for us both. I'm looking forward to a great experience one day!

 

[TommyFunn]

All in all I hope for the best for us both. I'm looking forward to a great experience one day!

Absolutely. Through open discussion, understanding and a strong relationship, I believe it's possible to live that lifestyle together happily. If not, at least to be able to bounce back from it.

 

[Superstar7]

Absolutely. Through open discussion, understanding and a strong relationship, I believe it's possible to live that lifestyle together happily. If not, at least to be able to bounce back from it.

Agreed!

 

[sinsnaps]

We worried about it a lot. Then, the moment it became reality, it was just reality, no regrets. Sexy reality.

 

[Superstar7]

We worried about it a lot. Then, the moment it became reality, it was just reality, no regrets. Sexy reality.

What did you worry about the most? What did your partner worry about the most?

 

[sinsnaps]

What did you worry about the most? What did your partner worry about the most?

She was worried that I would feel negatively about her after. I worried that I'd regret it or get jealous. We both worried about it being safe.