I had a good talk with my wife today. She initiated the call and it is clear she has put a lot of thought into where we stand. To avoid an epically long post, I will simplify as best as I can. While I don’t condone her actions, after she explained how she feels, I can understand why she was looking for more. As much as I wanted her to be happy and as much as I wanted to love every aspect of this lifestyle, I realize that over time I have pulled back from my wife. I have become emotionally distant and she was not getting what she needed from me and didn’t know how to tell me that she needed more. When she met this last guy, he filled the missing needs and she felt valued and appreciated again. Before anyone jumps all over this, all I am saying is that we are both at fault for where we are.
She wasn’t cheating when she first met this guy. She was meeting a fuck buddy with my full support. She told me every detail of each of their meetings and told me that he was a super cool guy. I think it was over the weekend that she realized there was more to this than just sex. She told me that same Sunday. While I was devastated, I also appreciate that she told me right away. She knew that it was going to hurt me and she told me anyway. She was right to be honest with me. Could her delivery have been better? Maybe. Should she have honored her promise to stop playing if feelings got involved? Yes. However, I did not know that she was feeling unwanted and unappreciated. She should have told me. However, I was also holding back from her. I had become distant and not easy to talk to. I was hurting because my needs weren’t being met, but I didn’t communicate with her. I suppose I was passive aggressive at times instead of just asking for what I needed. And she was also not clear with me that she needed more.
We have a lot of work to do and I am not sure we can salvage our marriage. However, we have at least been honest with each other about where we are feeling pain. I listened to her and she listened to me. She was hurt to find out that her play had a negative impact on me. She never meant to do that and she wished I would have said something sooner.
I understand this isn’t the fantasy material that people are looking for on this site. But I also want others to learn from my mistakes. I am going to focus more on where I went wrong for now. When I was feeling insecure, I did not tell my wife. I kept it all inside and put up a wall. I thought I could deal with it myself. I was wrong. Over time it ate away at my self esteem and I blamed my wife. I began to spend less time showing her how much she meant to me. I thought if I just put my head down and worked harder, things would get better in time. Instead I drove a wedge between my wife and I. My advice to others is to keep the lines of communication open with your wife. I also recommend discussing with your wife the ability to hit the pause button at any time for any reason. We all agree that the married couple needs to remain the priority. I didn’t do this and neither did my wife. This didn’t happen overnight. Instead it took time for the distance to form. I was just as distance as my wife. We handled it differently.
I still love my wife and am working to keep lines of communication open to see if we can make any progress. She made no promises but did say that we need to keep talking. She will be working in Chicago all week, but we agreed that this weekend we will take time face to face to talk in much greater detail. I could tell the conversation today was from her heart and she wasn’t pulling punches. She said some things that hurt, but they were fair and they were the truth. She also listened to me and asked thoughtful follow up questions which told me she still cares.
I cannot go into every detail, but this should give some context to our current state. I mind is still mush. I will end this for tonight. Thank you to those who have shared their thoughts either here or through private messages. I am grateful for all of your kind words and support!
