I'm interested particularly in your comment about medications. Do you know what medicines have that effect?
Advice for ...... cuckold
- Thread starter edcooke
- Start date
For the most part the advice/comments I've gotten here have been sympathetic and constructive, which I appreciate. As someone said earlier, perhaps that's more than I should have expected since it appears most users of the site are enjoy the "lifestyle" (my wife knows that because she opened this account and used it to find at least the last of the other men with whom she had sex, and that is probably why she told me to look at it). Clearly I have a lot to think about before talking with her over our dinner out.
I do have one question about the suggestion that I "embrace her as a Hotwife". I may not be understanding the terminology, but I assume embracing her as a Hotwife means that I tell her that it is OK to have sex with whoever she wants. If that is right, then wouldn't I BE a "cuckold"? (If I were to do that, I suppose it doesn't matter what I call myself but I want to be sure I understand the advice).
I may have missed this in the thread, so if I am repeating an earlier post I apologize.
I suggest you look into something called stag and vixen. In a stag and vixen lifestyle the couple allows sex with others. There is no humiliation or need for the other person to be present. There is no clean up or reclaiming. Maybe only one of the two ever have sex outside of the relationship. Basically it's a permanent hall pass. You set some ground rules like in your case, you don't want to know if it's happening. The kids and neighbors never know, total secrecy and no emotional attachment.
You two live as a happy loving couple until the end of your days. She may or may not be having sex but you don't or maybe should never be aware.
I suggest you look into something called stag and vixen. In a stag and vixen lifestyle the couple allows sex with others. There is no humiliation or need for the other person to be present. There is no clean up or reclaiming. Maybe only one of the two ever have sex outside of the relationship. Basically it's a permanent hall pass. You set some ground rules like in your case, you don't want to know if it's happening. The kids and neighbors never know, total secrecy and no emotional attachment.
You two live as a happy loving couple until the end of your days. She may or may not be having sex but you don't or maybe should never be aware.
knight4princess
Male
To clarify, there is such a thing as just Hot-wifing as far as I know -- also considered Stag/Vixen arrangements. Whatever the label or definition, the way my wife and I approach this is as a team. She isn't doing this because I have inadequacies. She does it for the thrill and because I have come to completely understand that she simply needs more than one man in her sex life. It's just part of who she is. And I do enjoy it because I'm part of it. She does not humiliate me, degrade me or anything like that. She almost always plays with me present or close by. We both agree that it turbo-charges our sex lives and adds to our marriage.
So what I'm suggesting by embracing her as a Hotwife is to reach a point sort of like that. It completely removes cheating from the equation and puts you and your wife in the driver's seat together.
So what I'm suggesting by embracing her as a Hotwife is to reach a point sort of like that. It completely removes cheating from the equation and puts you and your wife in the driver's seat together.
OriginalCucky
Male
Thanks; that's helpful.
You are a cuckold husband whether you like it or not.
Thats the first fact,
When my very vanilla wife aged 24 showed me that she actually was not that vanilla and wished to have a lover she allowed me to watch a "one" off drunken event, yes i rather enjoyed it.
When she finally admitted two years later this one off was not a one off and had been ongoing for a couple of years i was as mad as hell and said she had to go, the cheating bitch. But i never actually told her my final answer simply threatened and then thought about it all. Its easy for those that say divorce her who probably have not been in this position.
I think you need to accept your wife likes a bit extra, that is unlikely to change, so keep her or dump her, simple.
However it is not that simple is it,
If you love her, have a good friendship and marriage, ( pre confession) decent standard of living you have to think: is this worth more than her plays and cheating? Cheating being the big one in my mind. That has to stop.
Throwing a fit, going mental doesnt alter she has done this does it?
You should in my view curb your anger and find out why? it might be brutal for you to hear she likes other men sexually, the thrill and excitment turns her on, but maybe it is this something you can both work out between yourselves. Its easy to get angry then made a decision based on upset, shock and anger that you may later regret.
I considered the implications for ME and realised dumping her would actually have a devastating impact on me, throwing the baby out with the bath water, we had a lot together to consider and after our discussion over many hours i decided to stay and try work through this.
She promised never again, but i knew differently and said so, she didnt deny this but agreed no more lies or we are finished.
She agreed adding, If you can accept this i want you to be involved in some way, so we tried again working on our friendship and became fully open and honest with each other, our love deepened, sure she likes the pleasures of the flesh elsewhere occasionally but i mentally worked round this and now enjoy her plays and am as involved as i want to be. The biggest gift a husband can give a wife is the pleasure of allowing her to explore her mind and body without lying or cheating then to return to our normal loving lives.
This conversion was 30 years since and we are still deeply in love and have worked through this together, the truth of it is her confession, my angry words cleared the air, reset our friendship and made our love and respect for each other ever lasting.
If i dare suggest it actually made our marriage something special too.
Thats the first fact,
When my very vanilla wife aged 24 showed me that she actually was not that vanilla and wished to have a lover she allowed me to watch a "one" off drunken event, yes i rather enjoyed it.
When she finally admitted two years later this one off was not a one off and had been ongoing for a couple of years i was as mad as hell and said she had to go, the cheating bitch. But i never actually told her my final answer simply threatened and then thought about it all. Its easy for those that say divorce her who probably have not been in this position.
I think you need to accept your wife likes a bit extra, that is unlikely to change, so keep her or dump her, simple.
However it is not that simple is it,
If you love her, have a good friendship and marriage, ( pre confession) decent standard of living you have to think: is this worth more than her plays and cheating? Cheating being the big one in my mind. That has to stop.
Throwing a fit, going mental doesnt alter she has done this does it?
You should in my view curb your anger and find out why? it might be brutal for you to hear she likes other men sexually, the thrill and excitment turns her on, but maybe it is this something you can both work out between yourselves. Its easy to get angry then made a decision based on upset, shock and anger that you may later regret.
I considered the implications for ME and realised dumping her would actually have a devastating impact on me, throwing the baby out with the bath water, we had a lot together to consider and after our discussion over many hours i decided to stay and try work through this.
She promised never again, but i knew differently and said so, she didnt deny this but agreed no more lies or we are finished.
She agreed adding, If you can accept this i want you to be involved in some way, so we tried again working on our friendship and became fully open and honest with each other, our love deepened, sure she likes the pleasures of the flesh elsewhere occasionally but i mentally worked round this and now enjoy her plays and am as involved as i want to be. The biggest gift a husband can give a wife is the pleasure of allowing her to explore her mind and body without lying or cheating then to return to our normal loving lives.
This conversion was 30 years since and we are still deeply in love and have worked through this together, the truth of it is her confession, my angry words cleared the air, reset our friendship and made our love and respect for each other ever lasting.
If i dare suggest it actually made our marriage something special too.
What you describe is exactly where I am, but in the reverse chronology (this came up for us, or at least comes to a head, after almost 30 years of marriage). Thanks so much for sharing your experience and perspective. I don't know that I am capable of living with the same solution, but the rationale you describe is precisely what I'm wrestling with. Added to the shock of what seems to be such a sudden change in the only woman I have ever loved or been intimate with is the recognition of my weakness in bed. As I mentioned earlier, my wife has set up a private dinner for the express purpose of talking through the issue. I am increasingly apprehensive about that discussion. If I melt into acquiescence (and even agree to participate in any way), will I be further demeaning myself in her eyes? Will I be able to live with the internal shame of doing so?
After skimming through the various replies, my first thought is that you may have had your eyes opened after 30 years. I might bet that she has been seeing other guys on the side longer than just recently. It might be a bet I would loose. I don’t know.
Most cheaters tend to ‘rewrite marital history’ as a way of justifying their behavior. She has lied to you and now she found a way to keep you in place. She gets to have her fun and you have to just deal with it? Cake eating at its ‘finest.’ I would suggest you don’t commit to anything with this dinner. Tell her you need to time to process things.
What you choose to do with this information is really up to you. What do YOU want? If it’s not acceptable, maybe you two should separate so she can be “happy.” In truth, our partners are never the sole source of our happiness. Each person gets to decide their happiness and that usually happens from within.
So, here’s the disclaimer. My wife and I are not in this lifestyle. I have wanted my wife to be willing to jump into this lifestyle for years. But, she is just not interested. I cannot forse it on her. I can fantasize vicariously through others who have been able to do so. I am happy for them! But, the important thing is that this wife sharing/cuckolding thing takes two willing partners who are wholly committed to each other; the marriage needs to be rock solid and based on absolute trust and truthfulness. I am afraid that isn’t something you have my friend. Tread carefully.
Most cheaters tend to ‘rewrite marital history’ as a way of justifying their behavior. She has lied to you and now she found a way to keep you in place. She gets to have her fun and you have to just deal with it? Cake eating at its ‘finest.’ I would suggest you don’t commit to anything with this dinner. Tell her you need to time to process things.
What you choose to do with this information is really up to you. What do YOU want? If it’s not acceptable, maybe you two should separate so she can be “happy.” In truth, our partners are never the sole source of our happiness. Each person gets to decide their happiness and that usually happens from within.
So, here’s the disclaimer. My wife and I are not in this lifestyle. I have wanted my wife to be willing to jump into this lifestyle for years. But, she is just not interested. I cannot forse it on her. I can fantasize vicariously through others who have been able to do so. I am happy for them! But, the important thing is that this wife sharing/cuckolding thing takes two willing partners who are wholly committed to each other; the marriage needs to be rock solid and based on absolute trust and truthfulness. I am afraid that isn’t something you have my friend. Tread carefully.
You shouldnt feel demeaned or shamed. You will just be a loving husband, seeing that your wife receives the pleasures and satisfaction she needs and deserves. You will come to enjoy the lifestyle. I think your wife has sampled the pleasures of a large cock, put to work by a man that knows how to give her a lot of pleasure. We have been obsessed that couples should not have sex outside of marriage, but does it really matter when they are older. I think she really wants to enjoy her mature life now that she has sampled what it is like. Dont knock being a cuckold hubby. I know many who have said never, ever, but a few weeks in a cage to stop them masturbating and a build up in desire for an outlet, has them pleading to pleasure the wife orally. Soon they are denied that as well, and only allowed oral access after the wife has been thoroughly fucked and filled by an agreed lover. Soon they are arranging for hookups so that they can watch and enjoy the love cocktail they have come to crave.
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I suspect that the private dinner may well where she admits stuff, yes there many be more, however it is not a venue to getting into a heated duscussion or argument i would suggest. Listen to her and hear her words. There is no shame for you, it is she that has taken a lover, maybe she feels that simply you cannot satisfy her her desires or wants, or she likes the thrill, fun and excitment of another mans touch. This is for her to explain either at dinner or later and as more questions arrive in your mind there maybe more dinners.
I suspect your in a strong position, it is she that has to explain not you and i would reserve judgement on what you decide. Rash decisions are rarely the best ones and you need to understand her view on why.
You mention "further demeaning myself in her eyes" who started this? I think it is she that has the explaining to do, unless her opening sentence is i want a divorce.
I have never felt internal shame for being a cuck husband i more view it as having the strength and confidence in our relationship for us BOTH to enjoy our hobby in different ways occasionally then returning to our vanilla family life and over the years my enjoyment has grown.
We are both dominant characters yet both sexually submissive which is far from ideal.
To those of you who have offered insight over the last week on dealing with the upheaval in my life caused by my wife's affairs, thank you. While I had hoped there was some magic bullet that I would find to recover a happy marriage, I suppose that I should have known that every such relationship, like every person, is different and that I'll have to figure out my own solution.
It is the early morning after a long discussion with my wife of 30 years, and I am left alone to decide the remaining course of my life. I was both apprehensive and hopeful before that meeting. The last 8-9 hours have brought me to the pinnacle of happiness and to utter despair. I am in my own home, as is my wife, but nothing is the same as it was. I don't see how I can ever be happy again. Maybe things will look brighter in the morning.
My wife's scheduled dinner and discussion began very hopefully yesterday evening. I knew she would have an agenda. Her role at the company that we started includes long-range planning and marketing, and she has conducted many meetings internally and with customers over the years. She is an expert at leading discussions and manipulating people to achieve the results that she wants. She usually uses powerPoint decks, but tonight she apparently didn't even need notes to manipulate me. She carefully and skillfully led me to the slaughter.
Our first hour was spent having cocktails and talking about everything we have in common: our kids, grandson and friends, our business, our recent vacations, how we met and the many trials and triumphs of our years together. I was entirely disarmed by her intelligence, charm and warmth, not to mention her makeup, clothes and bearing, all the things that attracted me to her and maintained my love for her since we first met.
We ordered dinner, and when the waiter left us alone she moved the discussion closer to the subject, starting with a reaffirmation of her love for me, her commitment to me and the reasons that she said she continues to consider me her only true lover and soul mate. She then moved directly to discuss her affairs, apologizing for her lies, her deceptions and the pain she knew they had caused me. She said she had no excuse for what she had done, though she also mentioned being sexually frustrated by my "performance" (I have always had to bring her to orgasm orally because I get so excited by her that I ejaculate too quickly). Following this, she told me how she wanted us to move forward and promised, first, that there would be no repetition of what happened with the last guy she had sex with (he secretly videotaped some of their activities and sent me the video, with a note saying "Thanks for the use of your wife", when she refused to fuck him again - she said a second time), and second that she intends to be completely open and honest with me going forward, no more lies or secret sexual dalliances, but that if I had any questions about her affairs I had to ask them right now.
Before I could respond, dinner was served, but immediately after the waiter left again I asked the one question that I had previously decided I needed to ask: were all of our kids mine? She cried and said she wished I hadn't felt that I had to ask that because it made it sound like I thought she was constantly screwing other men over our entire marriage, but that yes she had had tests done to verify that they were my kids before deciding not to terminate each pregnancy. That led to a back-and-forth in which I pointed out that that meant she was in fact having affairs even before our first kid was born, which also led to more crying, but she admitted it. In turn, I started to cry when I admitted my inability to bring her to orgasm without oral sex.
Probably as part of the emotional break-down, I decided not to ask for more details about her affairs and simply ask for one additional promise (which I considered minimal but all I could expect immediately), that she would not have sex with another man before she and I discussed it. She got up, sat on my lap, hugged me, said "I promise" and kissed me, to which I replied that I completely forgave her and would never mention her affairs again. That in turn led to further tears, and kisses, from both of us.
As we finished dinner and were about to leave, we hugged again and she whispered to me that she was going to take me home and give me the best blow job any man ever got. This was particularly meaningful for us because she had always refused to give me oral sex, saying she considered it "dirty", which I learned from the video I got a month ago was a complete misrepresentation of her real feelings on blow jobs. Maybe this should have been a "red flag" for me, but it got me very excited. I left our private room, hand-in-hand with my wife, thinking that this chapter in our lives was over and that I had never loved her more than I did at that minute.
On the way out of the restaurant, walking through the bar, one of the men called her name. She turned and said hello and introduced me to him (Bryan), and after a brief conversation we walked out. In what I thought was a foolish thing to blurt out, but in reaction to recent events, I asked her whether she had had sex with Bryan. Her response was an angry "so, after all we just went through, you are going to continue to think that every man we come across has screwed me? - but NO!" She also pointed out that the man was probably younger than our oldest ....... I took my cue from that to apologize, we cried and hugged again and drove home. On the drive, she answered a text on her phone and told me it was her mom.
When we got home, as soon as we closed the front door she jumped into my arms and we kissed passionately for minutes. When our lips parted, she removed my sport coat, tie and shirt, she licked my nipples, took off my belt and unzipped my pants. As she started to pull down my pants I asked whether we should go upstairs to bed. She looked at her watch and said "you're ruining the moment; I want you to get hard before I suck you off and swallow your cum". I was getting excited and finished removing my pants. She again looked at her watch and started to rub my penis with her hand. Once I was fully erect she backed up, turned on a jazz station on Alexa, looked at her watch and started to remove her coat as though beginning to strip. It was at that moment that the front door opened and Bryan walked in.
The next five minutes are a blur in my mind. It was like some bawdy comedy, with me as the laughing-stock. I was stunned, but quickly started to try to cover up, particularly my erection. I couldn't immediately find my pants, and grabbed a throw blanket from the couch. In the meantime, Bryan had "checked out" my erection, walked over to my wife and kissed her. My wife told me that she had invited Bryan over and that this was my opportunity to discuss with her whether Bryan could fuck her. She told Bryan that she was going to blow me first but that unless I could persuade her otherwise she would then fuck him. Finally, she told me that she hoped that I would watch Bryan fuck her. I of course realized that my wife had orchestrated the whole thing and that it was her way of insisting on her original resolution to get me to agree to a "cuckold lifestyle", using the excitement of watching her have sex (and now the blow job). I was humiliated by my nakedness and couldn't say anything. After about a minute my wife said something to the effect of we should all go up to the bedroom because I hadn't tried to object. By then I started to yell all kinds of things, I can't remember exactly what. She yelled back and finally said "let's go" to Bryan. She took his hand and led him upstairs. When she got to the top of the stairs, she yelled down "hurry up or we will get started without you." I took that opportunity to get my pants on, but didn't leave the living room.
After about 5 minutes Bryan came downstairs, naked and now with his own erection. He came up to me, put his hand on my shoulder and said something like "hey bro, I really don't mean to hurt you with all this, and I only came over here because your wife told me you were OK with her fucking other guys, but as you can see we're already started and I can't just leave now so why don't you come up and join us; it is going to be fun for everybody". I swatted his hand off of me and said something like "listen BRO, if you think I'd get kicks by watching some skinny-dicked kid poke my wife you're crazy". He became very angry and I thought he was going to hit me, but instead he responded along the lines of "OK old man, I may have a smaller dick than you, but at least I can use it for more than a couple of minutes, and if you don't come upstairs you are going to miss the chance to watch your wife have more orgasms in one night than you've seen her have her entire life because I'm going to pound the ...... out of her all night, and probably tomorrow morning" (obviously my wife had told him that I'm not a violent person and that I have had difficulty ejaculating too early). Bryan went back upstairs and I didn't know what to do.
Almost immediately I heard banging from the bedroom (they had not closed the door). It sounded like Bryan was making good on his promise to "pound" my wife and, when I walked to the base of the stairs, I heard her say "not so hard" to him. The noise died down a bit and I turned on the TV. After about another five minutes I started to hear moaning and thought about going upstairs but couldn't bring myself to do that. Instead I came down here to my office in my basement.
That's really all there is to tell. As I said, I just feel despair now.
Unless you you were turned on in the slightest, this isn’t for you. Find your dignity and self respect and have her served with papers. She doesn’t respect you. At least respect yourself.
That all was just cruel on her part.She knew you weren't into this and manipulated you into it. Sorry to say but after this, you should let her go and find someone you are comfortable with. If you do leave her, let the kids know why.
Cuckold, hot wife, stag, vixen all just words. They only mean something if a person wants it to. And you definitely take it all to the offensive.
I can't say I would agree with her actions. But it's a choice only u can make.
It sounds to me I already decided u don't want to live this lifestyle. And she has decided to do it.
Be a man and tell her u can't handle it. That it's not for you and everything is over.
And to clarify "be a man" means tell her the truth and speak up. Fuck social labels. There is nothing saying that a man has to be strong, tough, and secure all the time.
You want to be a real man, you tell the truth. Do good by others and yourself. Be stern when u need to be and know it's fine to be weak sometimes. Over all just do what is right! Not what is socially correct. A man doesn't forse people to change. They change because his actions show them they want to be as good of a person as he is.
Being a "cuckold" or "stag" doesn't make anyone less of a man.
I can't say I would agree with her actions. But it's a choice only u can make.
It sounds to me I already decided u don't want to live this lifestyle. And she has decided to do it.
Be a man and tell her u can't handle it. That it's not for you and everything is over.
And to clarify "be a man" means tell her the truth and speak up. Fuck social labels. There is nothing saying that a man has to be strong, tough, and secure all the time.
You want to be a real man, you tell the truth. Do good by others and yourself. Be stern when u need to be and know it's fine to be weak sometimes. Over all just do what is right! Not what is socially correct. A man doesn't forse people to change. They change because his actions show them they want to be as good of a person as he is.
Being a "cuckold" or "stag" doesn't make anyone less of a man.
knight4princess
Male
Yeah. I'd say it's over. Sorry to hear this. It would have been fairly easy for her to fix this, and maybe even have her cake and eat it too. But no.
It appears you have shown her plenty of respect but the feeling hasent been mutual. From my perspective, shes given you a take or leave it type of attitude. Plus she cheated behind your back. As well, she appolagized and then continued to cheat. These suggest her respect for you isnt the same as you have for her. This is a problem and should be addressed. Mutual respect is a fundamental requirement for a sound relationship and you dont have this right now. From what you described, and what was commented by others, her becoming monogamous again is highly unlikely. Shes pretty much dictated shes not going to stop and wants you to accept this arrangement. You on the other hand dont appear to be comfortable with this arrangement. You two are at an impasse and probably should seek counseling.
Im curious why she suggested cuckolding and didnt suggest an open relationship? Im curious if she would be accepting of you dating other women. By her suggestion, I dont believe she would be accepting of you dating and having sex with others.
Ive been down this road with something similar with my exwife. She started cheating and was apologetic but didnt stop. I was ignorant at the time and she eventually found someone else leaving me with the kids. So dont falsely assume that because your family is intact that your marriage is reason enough for your wife to change.
The fact that she doesnt show respect and is pretty much outlining your future together means you have a serious problem in your marriage and contining in this way means your marriage is headed for a train wreck. Your marriage is on shaky ground right now and suggest you two seek counciling asap before things become worse.
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as to your question, she SAID she suggested cuckolding because she thought I would enjoy it and because she loves me wants me to be happy. She is possessive, but I don't know whether she would accept an open relationship. In any event, I don't and therefore haven't suggested that as an alternative. After what she did yesterday, you are certainly are right that she doesn't respect me any more, and I don't see how yo can love someone without respect.
She has rejected any form of counseling.
I've got a lot of factors to consider now, but options don't seem to exist.
Your options are limited, accept or decline.
This sounds like a fantasy that she's built on her own with no input from you. If she'd taken it slow, focused on talking about your inadequacy and taken advantage of your willingness to put her on a pedestal, she might have stood a chance at convincing you to accept her infidelity. She could have done a slow burn and taught you the advantages of worshipping her and aknowledging her need to seek fullfilment elsewhere. She could have influenced you to accept her as your Mistress and to be her loyal, obedient slave. If she had played it right, she could be doing all this at your insistance but she didn't. That takes all the fun out of it for you and only gives her the fun at your expense.
This seems like a situation out of Penthouse letters and would work well if she had knowledge that you were secretly wishing for it but she didn't.
At this point, the ball is in your court.
This sounds like a fantasy that she's built on her own with no input from you. If she'd taken it slow, focused on talking about your inadequacy and taken advantage of your willingness to put her on a pedestal, she might have stood a chance at convincing you to accept her infidelity. She could have done a slow burn and taught you the advantages of worshipping her and aknowledging her need to seek fullfilment elsewhere. She could have influenced you to accept her as your Mistress and to be her loyal, obedient slave. If she had played it right, she could be doing all this at your insistance but she didn't. That takes all the fun out of it for you and only gives her the fun at your expense.
This seems like a situation out of Penthouse letters and would work well if she had knowledge that you were secretly wishing for it but she didn't.
At this point, the ball is in your court.
