Yeah this all sounds good and is kind of the ideal situation I'd want. One issue is finding that guy - I have one really close friend that I definitely trust, whose wife basically doesn't have sex with him and who I think my wife kind of likes and feels sorry for. She insists she doesn't really find him attractive and says she only teases him (really she kind of flirts with him) because "he's harmless." He's a bit of a chick-magnet though and women always talk to him when we go out. My wife knows this and I think that's what might make him attractive - that other women want him (except his wife lol). Yet, I have zero fear she would ever leave me for him, they are just not compatible in that way and he also would never go behind my back. It's a bit weird though since my wife knows his wife and he works for me. I am also not sure how I would feel repeatedly seeing a dude who had fucked my wife in social settings.Picking the right guy is the most critical piece of the puzzle, once you have gotten to yes. From what you have said, I would start very "relationship safe" with a low-risk guy that you trust and who isn't looking to find a woman for a relationship. I would also insist that it be a MFM scenario and that you plan it together rather than just letting it happen with her finding a guy. It may sound mechanical, but it is especially important with a first-time encounter that you establish boundaries and ground rules between you two and the guy. These ground rules should extend to all interactions with other men, not just the first one. One I have had is all communications with the other guy are open to both of us, not just her. You should be the only one communicating with him, especially in the beginning, until you get a better feeling for the guy. Another rule we had was no initiation of sex by the guy. He could let us know his schedule and availability, but we would reach out to him when we wanted to get together. You aren't giving her a blank check, so to speak, but creating a "new norm" of what cheating constitutes. There should still be clear defined boundaries that you both agree to, rather just winging it. Despite the unspontaneous nature that planning creates, the encounter will probably still be exciting and has a higher probability of success if you plan.
Like you say, it is hard to predict exactly how I'd feel the first time. If it turns out I feel a lot more jealousy than I anticipate, it would be a lot easier not having to see the guy again.
In terms of controlling the sexual encounters, it concerns me that if she had sex with a friend we often see, it provides more opportunity for unplanned things to happen. Like what if she decides "well he already fucked me, why not let him do it again" at a time where I don't know about it. I think I could probably trust my wife not to do this but you never know.
Beyond this, I have no one I would trust and feel comfortable doing this with.
Yeah, I think I would definitely start this way, with maybe just a oral. I think an ideal scenario is I start fooling around with my wife, undressing her, and then begin with something like me going down on her, then the other guy takes his cock out for her to stroke or her sucking my cock while I open her legs so the other guy can touch her pussy, maybe go down on her. Then I'd fuck her while he puts his cock near her mouth, prompting her to suck it.You could also start with "soft" encounters, with maybe the guy just watching or other types of activities that don't involve intercourse.
I think if we can manage to have one good first encounter, it will totally change her attitude. She often comes up with all sorts of rationale in her head as to why she isn't going to like something but then once she experiences it, she totally changes her mind. Case and point - she had never eaten Indian food when we first met so I tried taking her to an Indian restaurant but she wouldn't get out of the car. She had various ridiculous reasons she didn't want to even try it. I thought it was so crazy I almost questioned dating her lol... then sometime later she relented, loved it and now frequently cooks Indian dishes / forces me to go out for it even if I'm not in the mood.
This seems much the same to me. Knowing how she is, I am 100% sure she would very much enjoy an MFM experience (provided the other dude doesn't ruin it) but she is hung up on various notions of why it is abnormal and not good for our marriage.
This is why deliberately planning it seems challenging. Maybe we can eventually get there but it is very hard for her to have a sober conversation about it, outside of the arousal of us having sex. However, I feel like if we were in the right situation, where she'd had a couple drinks to relax, we got to talking with some guy she was attracted to, who got what was going on, and then I put the moves on her / coaxed her to let the other guy touch her, things would take off from there. I think if that worked out, then it would be possible to have a conversation about planning the next encounter.
I did actually one time, a few years ago, when I first introduced this idea to her, try to get her to meet a guy at a hotel with me, who would initially just take photos / video of us having sex... and then maybe more could happen if she wanted. She initially kind of consented but then as I was making arrangements to actually do it, she suddenly got upset, said she didn't want it and backed out. Who knows though, we're definitely in a different place now and maybe that could work if I tried it again at some point. I think a big part of her reluctance is also insecurity about someone else seeing her body and it seems like her confidence about that is improving between going to the gym and noticing more how when she goes out with her friends, guys mostly try to hit on her.
Maybe I'll bring up planning something again eventually if nothing more spontaneous happens. I think maybe in the next year or so it could be the right time.
If you are not doing it already I would be asking her if there is anyone she is attracted to, that you both know, that she could imagine being in a threesome with, so that you can incorporate him in your sex talk, even if he wouldn't eventually be your first threesome guy.
I am not really sure I'd want to know that and incorporating someone we both know into sex talk seems like it would potentially promote cheating. One of the big things I am afraid of in pushing the sharing further currently, is that my wife will take it as a green-light to do something (even though I've made it clear I'd consider it cheating if she did something without my knowledge). Given how difficult it is for her to soberly talk about this and how long its taken for her to gradually admit more and more that it turns her on, I think there is a chance she could decide that, since I want her to fuck another guy but she is afraid to do it with me, maybe she could do a trial-run and fuck someone by herself. Having sex talk about a specific person almost seems like a green-light to do something with them.
That said, it also depends who it was. If it was some guy I had a sort of adversarial or competitive relationship with, like the douchebag husbands of a couple of her friends, it would definitely create negative feelings. On the other hand, if it was just some random dude removed from our social life, like a contractor doing work at the house, I don't think I'd mind. You don't know who its going to be though until you pry haha... and I'm not sure I want to find out.
I do know the type of guys she likes though and I feel like it might be better to meet someone who fit the description but who was removed from our social life.
Thanks for the feedback and suggestions. I feel like your experience and style of sharing is pretty relevant to what I'm hoping to accomplish.