Sorry if this is considered a duplicate post. I'm asking a different question about a topic I've already brought up before. Wife 40 and myself 36 have mismatched libido. Before anyone asks I do give her lots of pleasure. She has awesome orgasms and I can tell she enjoys it. Getting her started is challenging. I've tried helping her out more with her responsibilities, I've been more affectionate in a non sexual way and I've tried talking to her about it. She always wants to lay in bed around 8:00 or 8:30. Then she gets on her phone, watches videos and plays a mobile game that she enjoys. Essentially that's my wife's HER time. I understand that well enough as I need my own time too. What bothers me is that she will only consider sex (even play sessions where I get her off and then just take care of myself with minimum help from her) during the weekend. She's tired all the time and I've tried everything I can think of to help. I believe that if I stopped trying to initiate, we would hardly ever do anything. As a man facing this new challenge, what advice would you give me to try? Should I withdraw my attentions? Deny her after enough time passes and she wants some loving? Am I wrong for wanting sex once or twice a week and to not be on the weekend schedule for a maybe? Am I just a sex addict? Any guidance from experience would be so appreciated right now.
Mismatched sex drive
- Thread starter TommyFunn
- Start date
You're definitely not alone! My wife and I are a mismatch sexually. The other day she told me that she just doesn't need sex as much as I do. It's great that she knows I need it more than her. It's awful because in all our years together I've not been able to do or say ANYTHING that inspires her curiosity or interest. Like you I know my wife has orgasms, lots of them at times. That has NEVER translated into my wife desiring more or interest enough to ask.
Like you, I share the household responsibilities and do my share of the work around the house. Any time I leave to run an errand I give her a kiss. I tell her I love her every day. Like you my wife almost never initiates sex. I've tried (and DON'T do it) not initiating sex just to see how it would go before she mentions sex. Much to my frustration we once went two months without sex. I discovered she's some sort of "sexual camel" and can go forever without wanting sex. Not initiating sex lead me to feeling resentful and that didn't help. I just created another hurdle to get over.
We've been together a long time so, I have a ton of experience with and very little success with having a mismatched libido. We didn't make any progress until she asked for sex and I couldn't get it up for her. She was unaffected by it. It was no big deal to her. She said, "Don't worry honey, it happens." I was devastated. I curled up into a ...... position and broke down and cried. Everything came rushing to me, all the frustration, all the resentment, all the emotions.
I felt like she robbed me of my best sexual years, like just just out waited me. It felt like she thought that my desire for sex would pass with time, like I'd just get over it. Everything changed after my breakdown. She finally saw how deeply I was affected. She was honestly freaked out by it. She'd never seen it before. She really wanted to talk about it after, she had an urgency that she never showed before. I refused, I was too caught up in all the feelings I was feeling. I felt like I was a shell of myself. I lost my joy for life. All I was motivated to do was go to the bar.
We did finally talk. I told her that the routine of infrequent routine sex was not cutting it for me. I told her that my mental state was anticipating the routine and even though I knew I wanted the sex I couldn't get inspired physically. I told her that freaked me out terribly and the subsequent depression that followed was soul crushing. She couldn't connect her lack of need and interest to how it could affect me.
We talked about what we could do. She knows I think the hot wife thing is an interesting thing. I admitted it during sex once. I told her I never expected her become one or even be interested for that matter. She let me know it would never happen. I told her I was cool with that and I'd never want her to do anything she didn't want to. I asked my wife to "pretend" for me when we had sex. She normally never says anything and only occasionally moans. I said that making little comments would help my mental arousal.
I'll give her credit. She has done really well with the "dirty talk". She was really awkward at first. Now I'm surprised by some of the things she comes up with. For me, simply knowing she has those thoughts in her head means a lot. Before I felt convinced she didn't. It's lead to her enjoying things she hasn't tried before. It isn't anything big by the standards of this place but it is better than it's been before!
At your age of 36 and your wife of 40, my advice is take your wife on dates, build on your romantic connection. Find a time to discuss finding more fun in sex to keep that part of your lives together as strong as the other parts. Let her know that you don't want to regret having the best sex of your life while you're in your best and wisest years.
Sorry for the long reply. You made me think.
I appreciate the story and the shared experiences. That really helps out a lot. I feel like maybe dates are something to try. I honestly think that when we get home she will crawl into bed and start yawning though. It is the one thing I haven't tried so far so why not right? I did mention to her last night that I didn't want to waste good years not enjoying sex together (hot wife fantasy or not). I told her one day we might not be able to physically have intimacy and one day one of us might be taken from the other without warning. Life is precious and time is limited and we don't know how much of it we have.
You two seem like good guys, role model husbands. That's commendable, your wives feel secure with you, they can depend on you through thick and thin. You're predictable, you'll take care of every need she has. That is why they don't initiate though. Women don't think like we do, I'm sure know that, but if you take care of everything she wants ,she doesn't have to try. She may enjoy the sex you do have with her, but she doesn't have to try to get it. You do everything for her now, no need for her to try. Make her try. If you want her to fuck another man, be another man for her. Change things up, be a different man. Do something out of ordinary, quit helping with the housework and do what you would like to do. Do something that you have that you have been wanting but have put off for everybody else. Be a little mistirious. Be about you. Make her a little insecure about you and she will play the sex card to reel you back in. If you can make her think another woman is attracted to you, even better. Women recognize patterns, break your patterns. You can't change her but you can change yourself. I know it's hard and against everything you have been told is right but just try it and see what happens.
You're wise to bring attention to this now. I promise you that you'll be glad you did even if it's awkward or difficult. I mentioned the "date" idea because I know we let that slip and we tended to take each other for granted. Going out and having fun together made all the other discussions easier. It doesn't have to be every week it just has to be frequent enough.
I totally understand about being tired from the work day. My wife and I are retired classroom teachers. We were always busy with something and that was another piece of the problem. As you say, time is limited and if sex is important then so is carving out time to build on your relationship.
I just know life is short and can be even shorter. I did mention a date to her last night. I asked if she would like to go on one and she said "of course!" So I will try to at least get into the habit of one date per month to start and see if that does something for us.
First off thanks for the kind compliment, although I believe I'm far from the "model husband".
As to the domestic duties, that's not so simple. From the very beginning we've had an equitable division of labor. We've covered for each other when one becomes ill or injured (its happened). I get the becoming a bad boy/different person but I wouldn't want to neglect the maintenance, I've got a pool and a big yard.
About the becoming a different man part, you reminded me of a time that I was kind of bold (that sounds so weak reading it). My wife I were going to have sex in the afternoon. Before we started I brought a chair into the bedroom and set it across from the bed. My wife didn't see me do it and when we went into the bedroom to get started she saw it there and didn't say anything.
We went through our typical routine of foreplay and we were ready. My wife loves doggy style so when she got on her knees I turned her to face the chair. I didn't say anything. I just slid in like any other time. After a few minutes she was getting to that place. I said out loud, "Imagine I'm sitting in that chair over there. You finally found a boyfriend that wouldn't mind me watching. Look at you! Your ass is up in the air and you're face down, taking it!"
I'd like to say she exploded in orgasm right after I said that but no. She did orgasm shortly afterwards and then I followed. Afterwards we both said that was fun. No mention was made of the chair or the dirty talk afterwards either. Still, it was fun and for a while I "was" that other guy.
I agree with you about picking up on patterns but that's a double edged sword. By breaking your patterns, you hope for her to break hers. I can see the shear logic of that but I'm also sure it's very different in practice. Basically I agree with you. The only thing for me is that I would probably not be "over the top". I'm all for breaking up the sexual routine. I've had enough routine sex to know!
My wife and I are going to have sex tonight. I wonder if I should sneak a chair in the bedroom?
I've thought about changing tactics to throw my wife off of her game. I couldn't let my responsibilities go so much but I can stop being as affectionate as often. I did kind of try something small last night. For the past month or so I have been crawling into bed with her just hanging out, cuddling and talking not expecting sex at all. Now I did ask the other night and I was turned down. I had a conversation with her explaining how that makes me feel and that when only I initiate sex, it makes me uncomfortable. Almost like when she says yes, I feel like she's doing ME a favor. So last night I was withdrawn a bit. I had to wake up to give our dog his medicine (he had surgery this week) and I went back to bed after he was taken care of. She tried to play around with me, grab my butt and rubbing on my back. I didn't reciprocate. Then this morning I'm in my chair having my coffee and she gets on her knees between my legs and lays her head on my stomach and cuddles me there. Nothing happened but it made me think a little bit. By pulling my affections away, will that make her want to show me more? It's an experiment now.
Read or listen to (Audible) "The Dead Bedroom Fix" it's the solution for most marriages.
