Something is going on , have previously said my wife is distant and I have found 2 numbers on her phone - one with no name just this emoji☺️ . However the second one she called regularly up to 2019 then it stopped - I suspect it was the rat jack - previous ex - now all of a sudden she called it couple of days ago AND it was under her daughters name , but she has changed her no and wife obviously has her new no under her name - but this no wasn’t called under the name - merely the no - fucking stinks eh guys - SO what do I do now - monitor the chat - call the numbers ? - don’t want her involved with this jack again - maybe both nos are his - old and new eh - any help if you have been in this situation / advice gratefully appreciated - maybe the emoji one is someone new -?
Found phone nos - now what
- Thread starter Snoopsissy
- Start date
Tough to deciide what to do....my wife has a guy in her past that I absolutely HATE, but she maintains contact with him anyway. SHe developed an emotional attachment to him long before they tried a physical one, and was even texting "Love U" to him. Played it off as "just text lingo" but she was definitely serious. Nothing much ever materialized of a sexual nature, some kissing and groping when they both got sloppy ...... together.....but its the day that she STARTED to give me the "we have gone different directions since getting married" speech that really eliminated me form getting over him.
Niot much you can do to prevent this.....she'll lie, gaslight, bullshit, sneak around, have multiple phones, etc, etc. You can try a sit down serious logic talk, but it will only result in more lies and accusations that YOU are the problem, not her sneaking around.
Either tuff it out and see where it goes........or get the hell out now. If no kids, I would do that latter. I only stuck it out because of our ....... Things are "bettee" now, but will never be what they were before this happened.
CW
Niot much you can do to prevent this.....she'll lie, gaslight, bullshit, sneak around, have multiple phones, etc, etc. You can try a sit down serious logic talk, but it will only result in more lies and accusations that YOU are the problem, not her sneaking around.
Either tuff it out and see where it goes........or get the hell out now. If no kids, I would do that latter. I only stuck it out because of our ....... Things are "bettee" now, but will never be what they were before this happened.
CW
Well this scumbag went around for years and years pretending he had served and fought in the British parachute regiment , went to the reunions , gave speeches , covered in para tattoos etc but was found out to be a ‘Walter Mitty ‘ by hunter squad ( paras themselves ) . Fucking piece of ...... - on holiday this year as part of our motorbike tour we went to the war graves and memorial at oosterbeek near Arnhem and I said to my wife this is where the real paras lie - she never replied . And we recently had the conversation about things have changed and she doesn’t know if she feels the same - I check her phone regular but as yet not slipped up but she is fly . I am on the tipping point of stay the course for a bit longer or jack it all in . She has said previously that if she could choose HE would be down as the love of her life !! . Hard to live every day with your wife who feels like that for this rat 🐀. Her being fucked by another guy is one thing and I would welcome that but to feel like that is totally something else
Grey rock method and the 180. Cut contact to a minimum until she is ready to talk about fixing the marriage. Google them or watch videos. Highly effective. Basically do opposite what you really want to do but what you really want to do will end up driving her away.
Contact a lawyer to see what divorce looks like. This is non-committal but will give you valuable info and an idea of how things might go.
Get all your ducks in a row now and not later.
In order for her to come back from the brink she will need to cut all contact with this dude and give you full access to phone and social media. No "one seconds" for her to delete texts or whatever. This is absolutely critical. Otherwise you're just rug sweeping. The "right" way will have her going to individual counseling maybe a month before you two start couples counseling. The individual counseling is so she can figure out why she got to that point in the first place and to give you better answers than "i don't know" at couples counseling. It's up to you if you need individual counseling.
Grey rock and 180 tends to knock them back into their senses. Less than 50% of the time but still a decent bit. Plan to stay out late and give her non complete answers of where you're going if you even bother telling her. Even ...... in another room some nights to keep her on edge. When she wakes up without you there or hear the deafening sound of silence in the empty house it's really disturbing. Also these methods maintain yoru self respect and help you as an individual just as much.
Need to act fast and decisive. Many divorces would have survived had they not just goofed off and argued and screamed and cried at eachother for weeks/months. This is the equivalent of shock and awe. Get familiar with cheaters arguing tactives like gaslighting and blame shifting. She WILL use these tactics so prepare yourself now on how to nullify them. Stay cool. Collected. And Stoic. Depending on state you might want to get evidence. Not sure how the hole fetish thing will muddy things but that's why you go to your lawyer.
Finally, right now start reaching out and leaning on your closest friends and family. This whole thing sounds very early in its progression but it can get away from you quick if you let it. If you care about the marriage then there isn't a reason to wait rather than nipping things in the bud.
Contact a lawyer to see what divorce looks like. This is non-committal but will give you valuable info and an idea of how things might go.
Get all your ducks in a row now and not later.
In order for her to come back from the brink she will need to cut all contact with this dude and give you full access to phone and social media. No "one seconds" for her to delete texts or whatever. This is absolutely critical. Otherwise you're just rug sweeping. The "right" way will have her going to individual counseling maybe a month before you two start couples counseling. The individual counseling is so she can figure out why she got to that point in the first place and to give you better answers than "i don't know" at couples counseling. It's up to you if you need individual counseling.
Grey rock and 180 tends to knock them back into their senses. Less than 50% of the time but still a decent bit. Plan to stay out late and give her non complete answers of where you're going if you even bother telling her. Even ...... in another room some nights to keep her on edge. When she wakes up without you there or hear the deafening sound of silence in the empty house it's really disturbing. Also these methods maintain yoru self respect and help you as an individual just as much.
Need to act fast and decisive. Many divorces would have survived had they not just goofed off and argued and screamed and cried at eachother for weeks/months. This is the equivalent of shock and awe. Get familiar with cheaters arguing tactives like gaslighting and blame shifting. She WILL use these tactics so prepare yourself now on how to nullify them. Stay cool. Collected. And Stoic. Depending on state you might want to get evidence. Not sure how the hole fetish thing will muddy things but that's why you go to your lawyer.
Finally, right now start reaching out and leaning on your closest friends and family. This whole thing sounds very early in its progression but it can get away from you quick if you let it. If you care about the marriage then there isn't a reason to wait rather than nipping things in the bud.
I don't know how long you have been married, but actually when a woman tells you that she doesn't know if she still feels the same, its already all over.
With confronting her about others guys, arguing or trying to clean up the air will make it even worse and speed up the divorce.
Unfortunately being a beta male cuckold will only work in a position of strength. When both of you enjoy the game, but you keep up the power and she is still fully in love. Being a beta male will just make you lose her in a position of weakness. Believe me. I had to learn it myself. Discussing it will bring you nowhere.
What I would recommend when trying to fix it: Show her the willingness to walk away. Meet the girl from school you haven't met since 5 years and let her see it in her Facebook Story (not yours). Go on a festival trip with your friends from school with telling her about it last minute. Don't respond to her text messages or do it shortly and as late as possible.
Do storytelling about something amazing that just happened but don't brag. Be confident. Do reale change. Make her feel that there is something strange going on. Make sure to keep up you frame.
As you are from the Netherlands and maybe speak German: Read the book Lob des Sexismus. It might change your life on relationships, especially when the girl is throwing ...... at you.
If you think it doesn't make sense and are not willing to continue: Break up with her and care divorce with the lawyer. Ironically this attitude showing to her will bring her back the most.
With confronting her about others guys, arguing or trying to clean up the air will make it even worse and speed up the divorce.
Unfortunately being a beta male cuckold will only work in a position of strength. When both of you enjoy the game, but you keep up the power and she is still fully in love. Being a beta male will just make you lose her in a position of weakness. Believe me. I had to learn it myself. Discussing it will bring you nowhere.
What I would recommend when trying to fix it: Show her the willingness to walk away. Meet the girl from school you haven't met since 5 years and let her see it in her Facebook Story (not yours). Go on a festival trip with your friends from school with telling her about it last minute. Don't respond to her text messages or do it shortly and as late as possible.
Do storytelling about something amazing that just happened but don't brag. Be confident. Do reale change. Make her feel that there is something strange going on. Make sure to keep up you frame.
As you are from the Netherlands and maybe speak German: Read the book Lob des Sexismus. It might change your life on relationships, especially when the girl is throwing ...... at you.
If you think it doesn't make sense and are not willing to continue: Break up with her and care divorce with the lawyer. Ironically this attitude showing to her will bring her back the most.
update - have tried a few things suggested and hasn’t really made an impact ( outwardly anyways ) . I’m working this morning 8-12 so my wife has decided she is off away to Edinburgh and will be home around 4 ish to look around the shops and have lunch - so is she trying to mirror the ideas suggested - will defo be checking her knickers tonight but that’s all about I can do at this point - she may well be doing shops and lunch ( but she doesn’t really like shopping ???) and lunch ??? . Going to phone her up at some point and listen for background noise or you know the sound when your in a bedroom - sort of closed in noise and see what I detect from that - we haven’t been intimate a all for 2 weeks or more and as it’s always me who makes the running have been holding off to see if she will take the lead or say something - but nothing - just really for once definitely catch her out
She has mentioned another guy on and off with the nervous smile she gives when she is on edge so maybe she meeting him - man I just wish she would come clean and stop these mind games and admit she’s being fucked or seeing another guy even for a coffee or something - that would be a great turn on for me but it’s always turned around - I’m the dirty bastard who brought up sharing her so I’m only getting what I asked for and to most intensive purposes that is true but it was only brought up because she gave me some signals she would consider it - again all a deception on her part just to see how perverted I am . And no good asking 27 year old stepdaughter for advice as she was an enabler last time around with colonel para jack 🐀. No where to turn except advice from other members - had a few talks to try and get her to be honest but everything is deflected back onto me and she’s ...... virgin fucking theresa - I’m not paranoid as the feelings in my gut are back like last time . Even that is my fault for recording her chatting away to him , right down to actually telling him he was the love of her lifetime !!!. How can I get her to accept any responsibility for her part in that - again aided and abetted by step ...... ( and my wife wonders why I dislike her so much 😂) she does no wrong it seems ( in her mind anyway ) - any ideas guys / girls apart from divorce court ? . It’s always -why would I want to go with another man etc etc - but I’m fucking home alone again while she does whatever - as usual all seems to be on her terms - she knows I’m all for her fucking behind my back or whatever but does sneaky ...... with her golden pure wife halo on if that makes any sense - sorry for these ramblings 😔😔
Yeah man reading your last two posts, you're not in a good spot. You're clearly grasping. Like checking her panties. Unless you're going to send it to a lab it's pretty much useless. You can be the #1 expert in identifying jizz vs female discharge on panties and all she has to say is that you're crazy, that's clearly female discharge.
You really need to talk to a lawyer for a consultation. It won't cost much if anything. It will outline what your divorce might look like and may provide you with new information or ideas on things you can do to help your possition in a divorce. If SHTF and she decides to nuke the marriage you'll be in a far better position if you already had visited a lawyer. A consultation with a lawyer isn't committing to anything. You're holding off because psychologically you feel that it is committing. But you REALLY need to for 1 really important reason. You're absolutely lost right now. You don't see anything you can do and it makes you feel powerless. You need a plan. You need to take action. A lawyer consultation is you taking action. It will be you taking back power. The lawyer will be able to help you come up with a brief plan, mostly from a legal standpoint, of what to do if things go bad.
If you're worried about the cuckold part of the situation, just don't mention it. Say it's a swinger or open marriage thing with rules and she's breaking all of them. The details that separate cuckolding from swinging and open marriage don't matter here and after you consider that saying this is a swinging or open marriage thing where she's breaking the set rules is pretty much true.
This probably isn't the best place for this. Check out r/cheatingstories on reddit and post your situation. You will get a lot of great suggestions.
Yes it does make perfect sense why this is an issue even though you're open to her ...... around. Do you know what's probably the most popular phrase you hear when someone talks about getting cheated on? "It's not so much the sex. I can probably get over that. It's the lying." That's exactly the issue here. There's the obvious loss of trust which itself kills marriages. As unconventional you think your situation is the thing that's killing it is the same thing that kills a marriage with a completely vanilla couple where one has a drunken one night stand. Loss of trust.
But there's more to it. You have NO idea who she is messing around with. If you were in the loop and she told you then at the very least you would know who she is ...... with . If she plans on having sex with you again she would be putting your health at risk since one of the faceless men she's sneaking around with could have an STD. This should ******** you off. IF you make it through all of this at the very least she should suffer the humilation of getting screened for STDs before you ...... with her again.
I cannot say this enough, you need to talk to a lawyer. It almost sounds like you're so helpless you're praying that she will just fess up. I hate to tell you this but she won't. You can cry real tears and beg and she will still take the truth to the grave. Also if she is indeed involved with another man she may be experiencing limerence and deep in an affair fog. And if this is the case she's not going to do anything to help you. However it's not uncommon for cheaters to immediately get yanked out of the affair fog the very instant they realize their spouse is seriously considering divorce enough that they went to see a divorce lawyer. Mind you this isn't your prime reason to see a lawyer only a possible benefit.
If it helps I think I might have a theory of part of what she's doing. Some women don't really understand cuckolding. Consider how few couples there are that's actually in an open relationship and many of these relationships end up completely failing. This is because the couple really didn't understand open relationships and or overestimated their ability to handle it. Take that and add all the wild stuff that comes with cuckolding and even fewer couples would really understand it. There's something deeply rooted in many women that makes them immediately lose respect for a guy that's willing to share her. This isn't in the kinky fetish way but in the very real stop giving a crap about you and divorce you and move on way. If this is the case there's no telling how much of an effect it has on her choosing to do what she's doing. It could be huge or it could be small but just enough to push her to start fooling around and using the fact you get off on her cheating for her to justify her doing it.
Not trying to get too personal and this is more for you to think of than to actually give an answer to. How long have you two been together? (if a long time there's a higher chance she will eventually snap out of it) Who earns more? (gives an idea what divorce might look like) How old are you two?(same as the first question. If you're older and you want to have someone to "grow old with" then she's far more likely to eventually snap out of it) If things went sour and divorced happened who would move out if one of you actually does. (Some legal situations could arrise if one of you kicks the other out) Do you have options if you're the one that needs to move out? (Being prepared) Do you own your home or rent? (if you rent the split can happen much smoother. if you own you might need to think of financials. also if you own but only one of you are on the deed it's going to suck for the other if you split)
180 and grey rock still apply. These are for you and to help you cope just as much as it is for her to pull her back to reality. Maybe find yourself an individual counselor if it's possible to help you stop feeling like you're watching your life slowly disintergrate and you're powerless to stop it. But most importantly, go to a lawyer.
Also sorry I wish I checked back sooner. How are things going now?
Buddy, there's no trick out there that will fix this. From what you're saying things are really bad. It really does sound like she's cheating. She can start being very blatant about it and will still deny. The #1 rule among in the cheating community is "Deny, deny, deny". I'm not joking they litterally say that to people freaked out because they were discovered. Do you remember that song by Shaggy "It Wasn't me" years ago? Read the lyrics, that's exactly what they do. Even if you can manage to drag them to marriage counseling it won't even matter. They will only say what you want to hear and continue cheating. Divorce needs to be something you consider and ironically heading down the path of divorce might be what it takes for her to realize you're serious and she needs to work on your relationship thus saving the marriage.
You really need to talk to a lawyer for a consultation. It won't cost much if anything. It will outline what your divorce might look like and may provide you with new information or ideas on things you can do to help your possition in a divorce. If SHTF and she decides to nuke the marriage you'll be in a far better position if you already had visited a lawyer. A consultation with a lawyer isn't committing to anything. You're holding off because psychologically you feel that it is committing. But you REALLY need to for 1 really important reason. You're absolutely lost right now. You don't see anything you can do and it makes you feel powerless. You need a plan. You need to take action. A lawyer consultation is you taking action. It will be you taking back power. The lawyer will be able to help you come up with a brief plan, mostly from a legal standpoint, of what to do if things go bad.
If you're worried about the cuckold part of the situation, just don't mention it. Say it's a swinger or open marriage thing with rules and she's breaking all of them. The details that separate cuckolding from swinging and open marriage don't matter here and after you consider that saying this is a swinging or open marriage thing where she's breaking the set rules is pretty much true.
This probably isn't the best place for this. Check out r/cheatingstories on reddit and post your situation. You will get a lot of great suggestions.
Yes it does make perfect sense why this is an issue even though you're open to her ...... around. Do you know what's probably the most popular phrase you hear when someone talks about getting cheated on? "It's not so much the sex. I can probably get over that. It's the lying." That's exactly the issue here. There's the obvious loss of trust which itself kills marriages. As unconventional you think your situation is the thing that's killing it is the same thing that kills a marriage with a completely vanilla couple where one has a drunken one night stand. Loss of trust.
But there's more to it. You have NO idea who she is messing around with. If you were in the loop and she told you then at the very least you would know who she is ...... with . If she plans on having sex with you again she would be putting your health at risk since one of the faceless men she's sneaking around with could have an STD. This should ******** you off. IF you make it through all of this at the very least she should suffer the humilation of getting screened for STDs before you ...... with her again.
I cannot say this enough, you need to talk to a lawyer. It almost sounds like you're so helpless you're praying that she will just fess up. I hate to tell you this but she won't. You can cry real tears and beg and she will still take the truth to the grave. Also if she is indeed involved with another man she may be experiencing limerence and deep in an affair fog. And if this is the case she's not going to do anything to help you. However it's not uncommon for cheaters to immediately get yanked out of the affair fog the very instant they realize their spouse is seriously considering divorce enough that they went to see a divorce lawyer. Mind you this isn't your prime reason to see a lawyer only a possible benefit.
If it helps I think I might have a theory of part of what she's doing. Some women don't really understand cuckolding. Consider how few couples there are that's actually in an open relationship and many of these relationships end up completely failing. This is because the couple really didn't understand open relationships and or overestimated their ability to handle it. Take that and add all the wild stuff that comes with cuckolding and even fewer couples would really understand it. There's something deeply rooted in many women that makes them immediately lose respect for a guy that's willing to share her. This isn't in the kinky fetish way but in the very real stop giving a crap about you and divorce you and move on way. If this is the case there's no telling how much of an effect it has on her choosing to do what she's doing. It could be huge or it could be small but just enough to push her to start fooling around and using the fact you get off on her cheating for her to justify her doing it.
Not trying to get too personal and this is more for you to think of than to actually give an answer to. How long have you two been together? (if a long time there's a higher chance she will eventually snap out of it) Who earns more? (gives an idea what divorce might look like) How old are you two?(same as the first question. If you're older and you want to have someone to "grow old with" then she's far more likely to eventually snap out of it) If things went sour and divorced happened who would move out if one of you actually does. (Some legal situations could arrise if one of you kicks the other out) Do you have options if you're the one that needs to move out? (Being prepared) Do you own your home or rent? (if you rent the split can happen much smoother. if you own you might need to think of financials. also if you own but only one of you are on the deed it's going to suck for the other if you split)
180 and grey rock still apply. These are for you and to help you cope just as much as it is for her to pull her back to reality. Maybe find yourself an individual counselor if it's possible to help you stop feeling like you're watching your life slowly disintergrate and you're powerless to stop it. But most importantly, go to a lawyer.
Also sorry I wish I checked back sooner. How are things going now?
Trust your gut. It is often right.
Is there any chance you could hire a private investigator? Also, any way you could check her spending. Are there unexplained gaps in how she says she is spending money?
Yes I could maybe do that but prefer to catch her myself I think - no nothing on the money side really either . She has told me in the past that ‘ she knows all the tricks not to get caught ‘ .
Thank you sooo much for your reply and I am in the process of talking to a lawyer especially since the financial side of our marriage has been brought up again by my wife not me - I am two years older and we have been together 6 years - we both work but I’m the biggest earner . The house is owned by me and always has been , I’ve put my wife in my will to get the house but this seems like it’s not good enough - she seems to expect me to put her 50/50 re the house because as she put it ‘ I’m your wife ‘ . I’ve paid the mortgage for 30 plus years so why should I do that ?? . Doesn’t seem to be about being more in love , being happy / working at things - more to do with getting her share of the pie / what’s hers etc etc - all about money - that’s her priority - also why isn’t her stepdaughter included ? . I’ve no real proof she is screwing around but I think this attitude to grabbing her money is way more worse than taking another guys cock - cheating is one thing but this another level - so I’d love to get real evidence of cheating so I have some leverage against her at least - thank you 🙏
Also I find this strange - she has this sort of oddball female friend who is in the process of divorcing - her and her man jumped over a small river as a sign they would be wed ( old pagan ritual I’m led to believe ) see oddball - anyhoo seemingly this woman / friend of hers is advising her and ‘ keeping my wife right’ - so my question is - why would you want to be kept right if you weren’t interested in it / discussing it - so I also have this woman whispering in her ear about things which are none of her fucking business frankly . She is going through a divorce - we aren’t - or are we and like they say your the last to find out . I’m not a pushover and where financial matters etc are involved will fight to the last . We are in a sort of limbo just now and wife seems reluctant / no interest really in being intimate - asked her simple question yesterday what bra she had on as her boobs looked nice - she had a disgusted look on her face then answered her red one but by that time I was indifferent to her answer . . She was a slut it seems in her past but now is a fucking nun - . Vehemently denies any interest in cuckolding but when it was mentioned knew it was called wife sharing - so how could that be - lots of things it seems just don’t add up 😕😕😕
She is waving so many red flags that she could signal ships on the distant horizon
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