Am I risking too much?

[Luis Belo]

Luís (60) and Sofia (39) - we met 8 years ago, I was married. I divorced from my ex 4 months after, married Sofia after 3 months.

One year after I was checking her phone (I know one shouldn’t do that) and I discovered she was cheating on me since day 1.

Big drama butI forgave her and we agreed that from that day onwards she could fuck other man, if she commits to tell me everything.

We went trough the normal path, with me enjoying and suffering, sometimes asking her to stop (I’m not sure she stopped immediately but…)

After 17 guys, she met Adam 3 weeks ago. (Three)

During these 3 weeks they were together most of the days, spent 2 weekends together and no sex with me. (I was the one asking, she accepted immediately and told me Adam doesn’t want her to have sex with me)

Yesterday, when she came from the weekend, she just told me “”I love Adam. I’ll never leave you, but I love him”

So… I’m processing everything now, and I’m sharing this with you to have some “guidance” from more experienced man.

P.S. I believe she won’t leave me because we have a 3 years old kid and I’m the one making all the money - she’s finishing a master. Also Adam is a DJ and he will never be able to give her all the perks that come from being married with a “wealthy guy”…

 

[WiseOld]

You are certainly in a tight situation. Working on the assumption that you wish to remain married to Sofia and that she stops seeing Adam, your best play might seem counter intuitive at first, but it will work: Give in, hard. In other words, give Adam enough rope to hang himself. First of all, STOP trying to have sex with her; it only makes you look weak. Tell your wife that you are coming to grips with the most likely future, a future where she and your ...... leave to live with Adam, with Adam assuming your role as father. Explain that she, your ......, and Adam must see a family counselor post haste, as your ...... must come to view you as being dead, which you will effectively become emotionally soon, especially after you remarry and start a new family. Furthermore, tell her that she, Adam, and you must meet and talk about the boy's future. (Refer to him as "The Boy" or as "Her .......")

If she agrees to this, which is highly unlikely, go through with the meeting in the most matter-of-fact, emotionless manner you can summon, making sure that you stress Adam's increased responsibilities and duties. You might even mention that they must decide if they will strive to have another ......, as she is nearing infertility, possibly menopause. It's rude to think it, but a 39-year-old woman is pretty much past her sell-by date. Burdon her with the need to see two good divorce attorneys, an estate planner, and a tax accountant. Casually ask if Adam has recently taken any ...... tests. Right now, both she and he are having fun sex free of the heavy responsibilities of modern married life. Rub their nose into the gritty details, but do so in a kind, caring way. You might even appear happy, as if you have been granted a reprieve from a life sentence, looking forward to a carefree bachelor life once again—or the chance to marry a woman more worthy of your love.

Adam is the weak link. He likes fucking your wife, but does he want to remain faithful to her? If you can get them to go to couples therapy, it will probably hasten their relationship's demise. The therapist will puncture the mental-emotional cell they inhabit, forming rift. In fact, you should ask her many questions about how they fell in love, how special he is. Act impressed. Praise Adam, do not damn him. Like the therapist, you will intrude into their love-bubble—just as no doubt Adam did with your bubble with your wife.

From John Fowles' book, The Aristos:

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During the White Terror, the police caught two suspects, a man and a woman, who were passionately in love. The chief of police invented a new ....... He simply had them bound as one, face to face. To begin with, the lovers consoled themselves that at least they were together, even though it was with the inseparability of Siamese twins. But slowly each became irksome to the other; they became filthy, they could not ......; and then hateful; and finally so intolerably loathsome that when they were released they never spoke to each other again.

After Adam breaks up with her, which is the most likely scenario, make her beg to have sex with you again. In fact, make her first get an STD test, as she was not just having sex with Adam, but with all the other women (and men) he was having sex with. (It wouldn't hurt to look up all the scary STDs out there. The association you want to create is one where she associates sex with Adam with dangerous, dirty things.) It would not hurt to buy yourself a new wardrobe; in fact, hire a young, attractive female clothes consultant to help you. Stop drinking and exercise; get your hair styled and buy new, more stylish glasses, if you wear them. Flirt with women shamelessly, especially if they are younger and more attractive. Play the long game.